Such Is

I lack the energy to even type this properly
Lately I lack any sorts of energy at all
I am so apathetic to all and everything

And I feel like I just cant go on anymore

I feel like I have gained some enormous amount of weight
But i just cant tell anymore
I cant see what I look like
Because what I see is just huge
When I feel bone
Its not bone enough
When I feel colorbone
Its not colorbone enough
i obsess because its the only thing left to obsess about
the only thing left consuming me

I know I am bloated because Im due for that time of month
and I am so massive
It is making me crazy
In the last two days I have eaten a slice of bread
and purged for the last week

I dont even know why i purge
I know its just water
I know the harm I am doing

I know that it will make me feel terrible for the rest of the day
but i cant stop
I just want to feel empty
I want to disappear
i dont want to do this anymore
I cant do this anymore

I just dont have the energy...

I cant remember the last time i got excited about anything...
had a good laugh
a good smile
i am so numb to everything around me

I have created such a false persona that I cant even tell what is real or not anymore.

fuck

I can't...
I don't want to

I Am

I am a little speck on the outskirts of the world
I am a freckle on a giant
I am Mary's unwavering desire to die

I am self indulgent, paranoid and narcissistic.
and crazy
and scared

I have no desire to improve or better myself
I am stuck in a timeless loop
I am grey
Drizzled in dull.

I am sick
in body and mind
and there is no cure for my particular breed of insane.

I am a freckle on a giant
drowning my sorrows
In addictions
and failure

I cannot be saved
or improved
or bettered

stuck in this void
I am desolate
left with empty words on a flickering screen

I am a grain of sand within the desert
I am not special or particular
another case
and I still can't cure

I See You

I Ballooned.
Like an expanding balloon of disgusting
i dont know how
well i do
a few days of non stop binging
disgusting stupid me
but now iv gained control again
I have gained the fast and the need.

I was contemplating my sick mind earlier, looking at photos of people I used to know
went to school with, college with, worked with
people I used to idolize for having the protruding bones that i craved
or the jaw line i desired
I see them now
No neck
No colar
oozing out of their skinny jeans
It is so sick and so awful, but they serve as my inspiration
my thinspo if you will

knowing i am losing while they are all gaining
gives me some empty pleasure only you, my pretties, can understand.
I have tried finding some healthy happy medium,
but it seems i am incapable of some healthy relationship with food and hunger

the worst part is.
the obsession
the fact that it occupies my entire day.
so to counteract the insane voice that screams unto me all day
My drinking, fucking and smoking has escalated.
but even that does not numb it anymore.
and that frightens me.
because I know myself
and i have been down that road

and i am not sure i am strong enough to stop myself from going down there again

Old Hallow's

And Boy am I starting to feel it
We went to a crazy Halloween party on the weekend,
Like all things we do, our outfits were most outrageous
But it was fun all the same

I am feeling so run down at the moment.
So tired, and stressed and depressed I suppose
Sunday night I went to my mothers for "dinner"
Which usually means intervention time
something that I have done wrong somewhere along the line
I was sitting in my old room, rummaging through some things,
She storms into my room, making me feel about 8 again
"have you been throwing up?" Is what she said
No
don't lie to me
I'm really not
It smells so bad in there
I don't live here mother and I haven't been throwing up.
It rots your teeth you know.
Maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself and your own problems and issues and deal with them before vicariously lecturing me. and don't make false accusations.

and thats about the time I told her to leave my "sacred" space
I felt so sick I actually haden't been throwing up
But i sure as hell felt like it now.

She came to me a little while later...
I'm sorry if I wrongly accused you dear, but I worry. You are so thin
I'm not mother, I have gained weight.
No you haven't you are just disappearing.
Mother
There are "healthy" ways. they will make you maintain your weight, and eat proper meals.
I eat just fine. you have nothing to worry about.
I can get someone for you speak to
No thank you...

because that worked SO well last time.

Im sorry this post seems a little manic and insane.
but that conversation has been looping in my mind since sunday,
i had to channel it somehow
Its really bothered me
Not just the fact that my mother is on my case again, but the fact that I was so terrible about her own Issues. But I was just so angry. as someone with a problem, she should understand that it is not something one can just will away.
Or maybe she really just doesnt get that.
Maybe she really is just clueless.

But why doesnt my dad do anything
say anything
I know they dont have the ideal marriage,
But how can he just sit back and watch her do this
I know the complete hippocracy of that entire statement ,
But its my mom.

and to top off all things that are fucked up in the world at the moment
I think he might have told me he loved me at the party on the weekend,
But it was loud, and im not sure i heard him right
But i saw his lips moved, and thats what they said
I just pretended I heard nothing
And it was very awkward for a little while
But why would it be awkward?
I didnt hear anything.

God, and last week i was doing so well.

Nostalgia

I just Bumped into one of my old lecturers from University
It was surreal,
I suppose I have been thinking about the experience for quite some time now.
She was a mentor to me
A mother and a friend
I loved and Hated her.
I thought we got along quite well.
She is the reason I stayed and the reason I nearly left.

I only have fond memories of her, even the bad ones are fond in hind sight.
Then I walk into a coffee shop, one i go to quite often,
One i have seen her in before.
and she doesn't greet me.
So my bruised ego blatently walks up to her
and say hello
all she says is
"goodness gracious, it's you''
I felt my heart fall through the floor.
I just went back to my table
carried on reading my book
Pretended like she wasnt there.

The worst thing is, that I have a friend
Who tells me how she always goes out of her way to talk to him
when ever they meet
I suppose I am a little jealous
He was always the prodigy...

Oh its so stupid i know
It is just becuase I put it on such a high pedestal

I just wish i didnt feel this stupid, this let down.
It just solidifies what a waste of time university was for me.
even my mentor is a ghost.

Lost down the Rabbit Hole

Oh my darlings.
I am so sorry I have been so quiet. everything has been so crazy lately.
I have had so many lovely and terrible experiences
I am in a new job, and a new home.
They are both wonderful.
Much better for my soul
My new house is beautiful.
Old and creaky, it leaks when it rains.
and has a beautiful window looking out to the ocean.
I feel like I can breathe

Except I have gained. From the stress, the partying.
The excuses.
4lbs.
But it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
I went roadtripping with my lover on a little holiday a while ago.
Just the two of us
Hours driving, taking in the sun, smoking cigarettes, feeding mice
It was romantic in the sense that it is everything a roadtrip should ever be

It basically sealed my feelings for him.
That he betters me as a person.
he makes me feel stronger, like i want to strive for more.
Be beautiful because he makes me feel beautiful.
But I want to be better...
I dont want to be sick anymore...
Maybe thats the reason that I have gained.
But I have no idea of how to do it in a healthy way...
I binge Because I feel the need to get better,
Then I purge and fast because I feel guilty and awful in myself
It is a constant struggle
and he is picking up on it
even though i try and be normal around him..
I try and eat
I try and do normal things
I dont want to be fucked up anymore.

He makes me happy and I want to embrace that.
I feel like I am myself for the first time in years.
I lost my essence for a very very long time
I let people walk all over me and kill my spirit
I lost my love for life and the world
but I feel like It is coming back now
Slowly.

Insanity

And today started out so well....
I woke up in a fantastic mood, all ready to see my man
only to have him tell me that he needs to cancel because of work.
Its stupid, but something inside me snapped.
Today of all days I just needed to see him, have some sense of normality and reality.

Ok now for my psychoticness.. I have these anxiety attacks
well im not even sure if they are even anxiety attacks
But it starts with pins and needles, then leads to a sense of numb
that consumes my entire body
and im left there feeling terrified
and everything moves in fast forward
every sound and movement is amplified
screams and roars echo in my head.
its too awful to explain.

This has been happening since I can fist recall at about age 5.
and it happened the other night when I was baked
But at a even larger level.
It was like i was completely sucked out of reality.
everything was just looping in a sequence, nothing made sense.
It was like I was stuck in some infinite time loop.
it was the worst 5 hours of my life.

And then again last night
I am losing my mind
I have spent the last 5 hours cleaning my house, while drinking and smoking
and trying to be sane
I dont think it is working
i am losing my mind
the only thing that numbs it is alcohol
and my dependence is frightening.
Fuck

Candles, everywhere

And I know it is a few days late...
I have been so useless with my blog of late.

But I want to wish my dear Ruby a happy Birthday.

And i hope that the day turned out better, and evolved into all the lovely things that you deserve,
because you only deserve the best.

Love to you dear

xxxx

You don't know how it fees to be alive, until you know how it feels to die

I have read through a couple of my older posts
i know so many of them seem so cynical and bleak.
I wish I could change that
I contemplated recovery today. and i just couldn't stomach it
literally and menatlly i suppose.

I don't want to feel this way every day.
or want to detroy the mere image of myself
but it is how it goes.

I  have spent the past two days eating nothing but soup
a low cal soup that I made
and wine
and cigarettes
the story of my fucking life
not to mention that I am actually missing him
and all I want to do is be even less of myself by the time he gets back from his business trip.
I am not even hungry
and I have found that when i am not feeeling quite myself
i eat less

My mother went on a little holiday today, and the last thing she said to me was
"please eat".
That broke my heart.
Because I barely have
not because I want to, but because I just cant.

I can't justify why I am this way
Why I want to be non existant and thin
sometimes i suppose the better half of my mentality kicks in
and I want to get better
be able to eat like "normal" people do
Yet at the same time, i find myself comparing myself to every single person that passes me.
Am I thinner than  her?
Are her thighs thinner than mine?
How will i restrict to be able to achieve this?

and the fact that he is away.
I found that I just am not hungry
I am not craving anything at the moment
I just want to be empty
And i know this is continuing my sad pathetic cynical view.
But fuck it

I want to, but I cant
I just want to be the sickliest
the most skeletal
and that is somehow not right....
I don't crave death.
I just can't stop the screaming for perfection.
And I know that can never be achieved, by me at least

Biological Wreck

The past two days i have been severely, unexplainably emotional
and agressive
and sensitive.
I burst into tears over some little agreement I had with a friend
and when my man told me he had to leave town for a few days for work
I cried some more
I could not explain it
other than finally turning the bend
And then i started my period today. which makes everything clearer
The binging, the tears, the unexplained anger

Because I am not generally an angry person, psychotic maybe
but not angry and agressive
and it just bothered me that everyone was getting under my skin.
Sometimes i question the design of the female system

I feel like a blimp, like I am a mass wading through the universe
My mum commented on my weight the other day and said that i am losing too much,
but i know I have gained
I can feel it
and I haven't actually weighed myself in a couple of days because I am trying to tone down the obsessive weighing I do every day
It has become my ritual
So I am limiting myself to every three days
at least then I will also know if the numbers are being more accurate or not.

Sigh
I feel so sick

Weekend Blues

Last week was awful
I purged until there was nothing left in me.
on the bright side,
I got my weight down, but for how long?
and I know its probably just water.

I was sitting and contemplating the other day
about eating disorders and everything fucked up i suppose.
I remember my mum once telling me when I was 13 that anorexia is addictive.
My mum is addicted to laxatives,
Im not sure if she knows that I know.
But I know the signs
And I mean christ, I have been living with this long enough to tell.
That and I have probably nicked numerous ones on many a visit.
She has only had this problem for about a year now.
visibly anyway
and that got me thinking,
was it my fault that she is now like this.
Did she "catch" my disease?
If I was slightly more sane and well would she be like this?
I don't want anyone to suffer the way that I do
especially not my own mother...

I spent the whole weekend with him.
And it was amazing
i love how his fingers are stained because he smokes too much,
and that he tries to numb himself with alcohol
and that i never have to feel like I am an actual alcoholic when i am around him.
I watched him get rather inebriated this weekend.
and its lovely.
Because when he drinks, he is curious and honest.
Except when he asks me
what the deal is with how i see myself...
he said that its really none of his business and if i never tell him that is fine
but i know he knows.
Im not sure if he know the extent or severity
but he knows
and that made me want to confess
and plead
and cry
but instead i just laighed, brushed it off,
lied as we are so goddamn good at
and moved on.
I dont want him to know just how fucked up I am
That I am haunted every day
he doesnt deserve to be dragged into this dark pit.
whats the point anyway
It is not like he can "save" me or help me in any regard
all he can then do is judge me and pity me
and that is the very last thing that i want

Glasses and Cigarettes

I feel as if i am on yet another self destructive path.
I have spent the last week or so chasing highs.
Maybe its not self destructive and i just need to accept it as some fatal flaw of my personality.
But I just want to be numb.
I know I drink too much, smoke to much.
I am perpetually inebriated, or not.
maybe that is the problem.

This weekend we had a small get together with a few friends,
I polished off two bottles of wine,
barely felt fuzzy, and then proceeded to chase different forms of inebriation.
Which just left me feeling ill, and even worse in the morning.

I am at a time in my life where things are fairly uncomplicated,
I am happy, as happy as i am capable of being.
yet i still feel dark, and grey, and smothered.

My weight is some unfathomable number of height.
I am not even going to disclose the number,
It is too high
and too disgusting.
I just want to tear the flesh from my body,
store it some jar on the other side of the planet
and never have to look at myself again.
It is a constant anxiety that just presses down on every aspect
It is ruining all sense of reality.

I want to feel empty.
and full.
conflicts that i am just losing the will to fight anymore...

Sometimes, but not really

I am partaking in piggy's challenge, and I have gone down 1lb.
1 measly lb.
I suppose that it is better than a gain
and I did fast for 2 days...
and then binged yesterday
and then purged
followed by some more purging,,,,

So it has been an exciting week
I want to have one day, when I don't obsess over food, weight... everything
I want just one day where I can eat what ever I want.
and there will be no consequences, and I will not be overwhelmed with this darkened sense of guilt.
Just one day.
But that is all fairy tales and love stories. they don't exist
except inside the minds of romantics.

Shit is getting serious with this boyfriend and I.
I am afraid of what I feel for him, or even worse, what I think he feels for me.
I love and indulge in every second i spend with him.
and I miss him when he is not around...
and that terrifies me and angers me and makes me happy all at the same time.
I still shiver when he takes my hand, or kisses me,
and feel nauseous when he tells me im beautiful.
I know I am not, but I like that he thinks so.
I think that he adds to me, stimulates me in many ways
He is constantly trying to make the world a more beautiful place.
And what more could one really ask for?

A letter to my soul

This is a lonely disease
A lonely disorder
A Fuckup of a mess.
It is funny how there is always one person that just keeps pushing you on.
Something to live for.
When that disappears
The Heavens cave in
tumble down.
Drum rolls and crashing thunder.
It feels as though life is moving on around my little insignificant world.

I think that my best friend has finally stopped giving a fuck about me.
Curtains closed
The last sad little monologue.
She is my life. My love. My sister. My soul-mate.
We have been through everything together.
She has wiped my tears,
filled my wine glass
Put up with the endless insanity.
Until now that is.
people grow older, this i understand
It is a beautiful thing
It is life
I think That I am getting all the more fantastic with age
I embrace it, when i was younger, it used to terrify me.
It is the situations i detest
Stress. Loss. Marriage.
Her and her other half are talking about the big M.
and im utterly thrilled for her,
But it is like she is trying to start a clean slate,
Starting with this blackened spot.

We had this tradition
Once a week, meet up for a glass, or ten, of wine
And catch up,
No matter how hectic our schedule, or lives
We would make time out for each other.
I guess tradition is lost,
and I am the only sad fuck left behind trying to be sentimental.

I feel like kicking and screaming like a child,
begging for some ounce of forgiveness for a crime i am not even sure i have committed.
This hurts more than any breakup ever has.

I want her to still need me in her life.
I want to be 16, fuck even 18, pissed out of brains in her bedroom,
talking about the amazing things we are going to do with our lives.
How we are going to live in NY and live in a shabby apartment,
living off tinned spaghetti and cigarettes.
finding ourselves in tears over some love lost that we will "never have back"

It is so selfish.
But fuck
I am a god damn selfish person

Blissful

I cannot stop smiling.
I feel awful, hungover, and caked in morning makeup.
But I cannot get this god damn smile off of my face.
I feel like a free spirited teenager again.

So I spent the whole weekend binge drinking and smoking WAY too  much.
Parties, friends, and a shit ton of wine.
Last night we went to a club to watch some bands play.
I wore this little black dress that I promised myself I wouldn't even dare put on until I hit my goal weight.
I have had this dress for years, It is the iconical Black Dress. Tight, stunning, probably too short.
I put it on last night, paired it with tights, my favorite boots.
The dress hung loosely off of me.
It was a great start to the evening.

I'm not sure what came over me last night. But I just became social butterfly again.
I flirted, danced, drank.
Nothing existed
It was great.
Apparently I had hordes of males following me around the entire night.
It's terrible, but I did enjoy the attention.
It doesn't happen often
So I milked it.
That and the guitarist from the one band started chatting me up.
I may be a flirt, but I am very loyal
The mister did not enjoy the attention I was getting
And I loved that even more.

He made some snide remark about the men flirting with me.
I just laughed and teased him about it.
But then I realized that it really did bother him.
When we got back to my place,
we chatted about it, and he said that he is not generally a jealous person, so he can't understand why he got so jealous
and he doesn't want to be one of those guys.
I get where he is coming from.
I used to be terribly jealous, but as I got older, I learned to  take it as a compliment from my side.
if all those girls are flirting with the man I am with, then its a compliment, because I am the one they want to be with.
I find it flattering.
But he said to me that it bothers him, because he wants the whole world to know that I am his girlfriend, but then all of these random men show up, and don't know, and that's what gets to him.
Then he asked me if it would be alright if he could call me his girlfriend.
So I asked him if this was him officially asking me out.
and he said, "well, yeah"
he told me that he really likes me,
he even spoke of our relationship in the long term,
as in years
and I realized that It really didn't bother me.
I am not afraid of this anymore.
I want to be with him
I like him.
It may even grow into something more.
I just love the fact that he cares so much, that he actually feels threatened.

He is like my alter ego.
A male version of me.
We work really well.

sorry about the exhaustively long post.
I suppose I just needed to release some of the elation

xxx

1000 Cigarettes

I have been good
As good as I could have been in the last 3 days.
The last 2 days my calorie intake has not been higher than 500.
Today It was 255.
I have been exercising again, possibly a bit manically.
But its working.
I am starting a fast on friday, through to wednesday.
Hopefully that will go well.
I want to be 96 by next saturday.
I have a party that I am going to.
and He is going to be there.
I want to be as light as a feather.
I want Him to stare, to know.
He always hated this part of me.
And I tried to recover for Him.
Fuck that.

It is so juvenile.
But in my head it all makes perfect sense.
I am not sure what to think anymore though.
My scale tells me a certain number,
And my clothes say something else.
I am sure that everything is stretching
In all the wrong places.

I am so frustrated.
But I have managed to control my binging.
And up my smoking.
Every time I feel a binge coming on, I take a breath.
Drink a glass of water
And have a smoke.
It seems to be working quite adequately.

Tomorrow my goal for calorie intake is 200.
A handful of cereal and yogurt.
I know I can do it.
I WILL do it.
My will power has returned with a frightening force.

Hope you are all well my lovelies

xxx

Another attempt

I'm sorry about the crazy over emotional post yesterday.
I shouldn't type when I feel that rubbish.
I feel a little bit better today, only slightly though.

Things have been really tough at the moment.
I have finally recovered from my stupid sickness, which kept me in bed for about a week.
Lying in bed drives me insane.
I couldn't even drink, and I think that was probably the worst,
Silly habits.
My colleagues at work have started harassing me about my eating, or lack thereof.
There is only so much smiling and stupid jokes you can make before you feel your will and sanity slipping.
And between my mother, my boss, and my man's mother commenting on everything that I do...
I just don't know anymore.
And the snide remarks from my friends.

I had a terrible binge last week. I ate everything in sight.
I don't know if its the cold, or my shit self esteem.
But i just couldn't stop myself.

And then came the purge...
I am a little surprised, a little relived, that I didn't OD on laxatives.
I know. Its so stupid.
And I haven't done it in so long,
but I just needed to rid my body of everything,

And now its fast time.
Nothing, except cigarettes and alcohol, will enter this body until Monday.
And then it will be alright...
I hope...

Uninvited

I am a bleak force running through the universe.
There is not much to say.
I feel terrible.
Gigantic and awful.
I want to sleep for weeks and not wake.
I just wan to not exist right now

Negligence

I have been neglecting all of this and everything for too long now.
I'm not even sure how long I have been out of the loop now.
But I am so, so sorry I have been so quiet.

So I have been terribly sick, booked off work, lying in bed, unable to move and all that nonsense.
Turns out I have a Kidney infection.
Funny how these things happen when you abuse your body.
But I have been man down, quite literally, for a week now.

breathing, never mind smoking hurt so much I wanted to rip my own hair out.

On the bright side of my little wagon,
I spent last weekend with a few friends and my man (that still does not sound right).
I was abit nervous at first because I knew I would have to uphold some sort of normal eating habit around them. But it turned out that we were so wasted the entire weekend that nobody even noticed to miniscule amount that I ate.
I was listening to a conversation my friends were having, and now they have a little more meat on their bodies, which is fine with me. they carry it. they are beautiful. they are comfortable.
I wish I could feel like that if I looked like that. But anyway,
One of them, made a blindsided comment about how ALL women should have meat and curves
Because you know, only dogs like bones.
I just kept quiet, i do not like getting involved in these kind of conversations.
All I hear is my man, from the other side of the room, shouting "hey!".
That made me smile a little.

But there was a similar instance the other night when a bunch of us made dinner together,
when I dished up for myself, I had comments thrown at the amount of food on my plate.
So I said out straight, would you prefer it if I dished up more and wasted the entire lot?
Then I made them all desert, and I served it to them, but i didnt give myself any.
They know that I dont eat desert, I never have.
And the one friend makes an observation, "why are you not eating desert.
are you scared that you will get fat?
too late."

I knew It was in jest.
I knew He was just trying to get some kind of reaction out of me
but they must learn to stay the fuck out of my business.
if the person that I am dating/not dating can manage to suck it up and not comment on it
or ask me about
or ostracize me
Then why do the rest feel the need to.

Sweet Sunday

 So i figured I haven't uploaded any pics In a long while. So here are some pretty inspirations to lift the spirits. because mine are feeling annoyingly high at the moment...

So after two, almost 3 days of fasting. i got myself down to 97. Elation.
I know that It is probably just water weight. but it still feels so much better than 115.
and I don't feel bloated and awful anymore.
It is like my body has finally gotten over its little hissy fit and now is resuming normal functions.
That and I have been eating lots of fruits and water and all that jazz..

93 is my next goal.
It is only 5 lbs. But is the tough lbs to lose now.
exercise water and all that crap.

Im sorry I am probably just rambling right now, I am functioning off of very little sleep from this entire weekend.
Friday night I bumped, like literally walked face first, smack bang, into my ex.
at our local watering hole.
It was awkward beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
I wanted to die, or run, or just disappear.
but I could not because I was doing the drink orders and it was at the bar.
needless to say we did not greet each other.
I did a smashing job of looking at him like i did not even recognize him,
like he was some vermin filth that had stumbled too close to my drink.
Being an emotionless droid is one of my more charming traits.

But I wanted to just leap with happiness when my friend jumped in to save me.
or my man (apparently) as we are being to referred to as a couple.
and even he made the Freudian slip of tongue of calling us a couple
After friday He can call us what ever the fuck he wants.
He leaped in, bluntly flirted with me, making obvious physical contact and suggestions.
and promptly placed his arm around me and carried on with his other conversation.
It was truly sweet on his part.

It made me realise one thing. and that is how I think I am starting to develop real feelings for him.
Sad and unfortunate.
typical me.
complicate the uncomplicated
But i still plan to just take the whole thing easy and see where this goes.
who knows
it could nose dive off of the edge of a cliff
then ill really have something to laugh about bitterly

Better Days

First of all, I just wanted to thank Gabrielle for your endless words of support and wisdom.
I know you are always there.
And I just wanted to say thank you


So I have managed to pull myself together again
Well if by mean pull myself together, by my stupid methods. then yeah.
But anyway. I did a juice, water, fruit fast for about 2 days and one complete fasting day
- which ended in a booze binge
which you can only imagine the level of drunk that I hit.
after two drinks
and i know how to hold my liquor


but I have managed to get myself back down to 99.
and I feel slightly less bloated and disgusting.
and the hunger pangs are back (which i love in a sick twisted kind of way)


So i feel more hopeful than I have in a while.
Tomorrow is my friends birthday,
and as is tradition we are doing cake and tea.
I have been up all night baking cupcakes and cakes and all sorts of things
and tomorrow I will try and resist, only have one at the most.


This weekend I also plan to fast, and see how that goes. just give my body a little bit of a reboot
but let us see if i can resist the alcohol.


xxx

The Edge

Sometimes it is difficult to try and justify an insane mind or at least an insane state of mind.
I think I am losing grip. I am so depressed and lethargic that I feel like i can barely function anymore.
Last night was a clear indicator for me.
I had many people who asked me to join them in their friday night festivities,
but i declined. using terrible, unrealistic excuses.
my friend went away this weekend,
I was supposed to go with, but I was working so i had to say no last minute.
We chatted just before he left, speaking about what he will get up to, and my giant plans.
"oh I am joining a friend for supper on friday (drinking too much and ending in a puddle of tears) and Saturday I'm going to the clubs (repeat of friday)."
pathetic.
Last night I polished off two bottles of wine.
lay in the bath for three hours, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes.
and proceeded to sob uncontrollably until i managed to drunkenly stumble to the couch and pass out.

Today I fainted when I arrived at work, possibly from not eating anything in a day and a half and then consuming two bottles of wine. and then had to put up with my colleagues chatting about my ex all day.

I went bat-shit crazy at one of my colleagues the other day, for telling me that I am not over Him and that we will probably end up back together and have little children together. then, in jest, she called him my "boyfriend" and i lost it. like a child.
I felt terrible straight away and tried to justify my reactions.
But it will never erase the things I said and the way I said it.

Then to put the cheery on the cake, it has been PMS week.
and my uterus had decided that it wanted to consume EVERYTHING in sight.
and i gained about 10lbs.
I wanted to die

I have managed to shave off about 8 of them, but i still feel bloated and terrible.

and we had "the talk".
apparently I had been ignoring him or something to that extent, i actually thought i was being rather clingy.
strange how we perceive it.
and then we had to sit down and discuss what this fucked up situation really is.
something i have been avoiding for so long.
he told me that he didnt want to be lead on and he would understand if i was not ready to delve myself into something right not.
i am not really sure if I am, I dont know if I want to invest myself in someone so easily and freely again.
or so soon anyway.
I liked to free spiritedness of it all.
But I guess he did not like the fuck buddy idea.
I did tell him that if i have been acting strange then it is because i realized that I have developed slight feelings for my fuck biddy and that complicates things.
He wants to see where things can go.
So we both agreed. I suppose, to date?

but then he tells me, about two days after this lovely awkward discussion,
that he plans on moving abroad next year.
lovely.
something i would never hold him back from and I am thrilled for him having the opportunity.
but it seems like every specimen of the male gender i get myself involved with, plans to move away.
I suppose that it was kind to let me know in the early stages so that I cannot let things get serious.
but it is all very frustrating.
now I feel that i am even more reserved and closed up than i was before
something that bothers the crap out of him.
that's just how i am darling.
closed up and complicated.
you chose this.

sigh. now that I feel like i am on the verge of frustrated tears all over again
because I am in control of nothing in my life
not even my weight
I am going to delve into my wine
and smoke my cigarettes
and maybe munch on an apple.
sob

love to all you lovelies
xx

Apologies

So I had somehow managed to make my blog very private for a few days.
I am not sure how i achieved that.
I am terribly sorry.
for all those who care to peek occasionally.

This weekend was abortionate
I am not sure what came over me,
but I think I ate everything in sight, almost 24/7.
It was frightening.

But I grabbed a hold of myself today.
Started running again,
ate fruits and drank water the entire day.
i think it is a good start back on track

My new GW is 95.

95 is a nice solid number.

Today Is The Greatest. Apparently

I have put on 2 lbs.
I seem to have plateaued at 98.

98lbs of disgusting.

I have been eating more.
but I also have been exercising.
I try to eat at least two meals a day.
Even if one of them is just a fruit.
It is more than I was doing before.
I only eat when I am in front of people,
I think that may be my demise,
I never eat when I am alone.
If I spend the weekend by myself, then it is a weekend of fast.
well if a fast contains wine and cigarettes.

The worst part is, I can barely find clothes that will fit me,
yet I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I just see bulges and pathetic rolls of nonsense.
It is sickening.
It is madness

98 lbs of insanity.
and painted smiles
and cracked make up.
and smoke stained fingers

I am so tired.

and so bleak.

God help me, because surely there is no hope for a mind like this one.
Yet next week I will be fine.

Once I ride the wave.

I really hope so.

Shit

He asked me to move in with in.
I think shit just got serious.
In the words of the great piglet
"oh f-f-f-f-uck."

Long Days

I am tired of working 7 days a week.
I am tired of feeling ill all of the time and constantly fighting off infection and illness,
and not having the cash for a medical plan, or just the doctor's office in general.
Or a pack of fucking cigarettes.
I am tired of politely smiling at people when i refuse food when they ask me why i do not eat
or if I am on some diet.
I am not on a diet
This is how I am,
Always was
Always will be
I am tired of looking at food like some some kind of deathly parasite that will feed off of this host.

It is a love hate relationship
We live, we learn

I put on 4lbs.
I wanted to cry, beat the ground
tear down the walls

I lost them after I did nothing but drink, smoke and get high this weekend.
No parasite for me.

Not even the munchies.

It has been years since I touched the stuff, He never approved, I never argued.
I suppose it is some childish little group activity that happens at social gatherings.
I thought maybe I had outgrown it.

This time I just caved.
And god did it take the edge off.
Every thought just stopped, and all I could do was smell, feel and listen.
Blissful.

And my "friend" was lovely. He made A huge effort to get to our gathering that night,
so that he could see me, and then passed no judgement on my state of oozing into the fire and sand
and floor and sky.
He merely kept me warm, and appealed to every part of my heightened sense of touch,
in the most sensitive way.

He told me that I look starved in a good way.
That he loves my ribs and hips.
He is all about strange and distortion
and then normality,
music in the park.
He once questioned the small amount I eat.
I said I have a small stomach
He never brought it up again.
Perfect, Blissful

93...

An Idiot

I don't know what I am doing, getting myself into.
I have been spending quite a lot f time with this "friend" of late.
We are constantly out drinking, being sociable, the lot.
Always landing up at his place, or mine. slightly tipsy.. and then well. need i be too descriptive.
but lately its different. I just want a physical, No nonsense, friends with benefits situation.
Lately I have found myself spending time with him on a more, say, intimate level.
not in a sexual sense, it is more a dinner and a movie strain of events.
I am the twisted sort of person who finds hand holding more intimate than a fuck.
We have managed to somehow avoid anything date-like, always including a person or two.
So that it is not "that" level of relationship.
Until today that is. And I think it happened by complete fluke,
We were out, he was hungry.
We got some lunch on a little Street Cafe.
Or am i just completely over reacting?

Last night I may have freaked out a little.
I may have finally realized that I am developing feelings towards this idiot
and that is beyond terrifying.
I do not want another relationship.
I was lying watching a movie as he was snoozing beside me.
Then I turned to him to give him a cuddle before i had a smoke,
Then he mumbled to me, "That's much better, Now this is home".
while squeezing me.
I think I went ice cold.
I fell asleep beside him, woke up at about 1 am, and then scrambled home,
because I was terrified.
I needed fresh air, and to clear my head.

After our lunch situation today, we went and saw a movie at the cinema,
with another "buffer" friend of course.
but mid-movie he placed his hand on my leg and his head on my shoulder.
I think I may have froze up again,
i felt like a 16 year girl, on her first date.
I could not concentrate on the movie.
Or think.
Or breathe.
Then as We parted ways, He gave me a kiss goodbye,
right there, out in the open,
something he has never done before.
I am not sure how to deal with this.
But I really do not want to have " that talk " again.
Things are getting complicated enough as it is.

oh fuck.
What am i getting myself into??

A Bleak Day

Today's raging shit storm of crap has seemed to spiral out of control.
So my house mate has just informed me, "just" being about 3 hours ago, and "now" being my final ability to rant a little bit,
That she can no longer afford to live with me anymore, but will be able to in a few months..
that means I either have to fork out double my usual rent, or move back home for the time being, or find some random flatmate to live with me, which is just not an option.
Moving back to my parents house seems like some sort of cruel suicide.
Yet I think with the recent financial pay issues I have had, pay cuts and other shit, Im not sure If I can handle the finances on my own.
I have looked up prices for smaller places.
and even they seem like a stretch,
I would not have been so irked if she had let me know earlier in the month, so I had time to find a place. not a week before month end.
I suppose that's what i get for putting my trust into people again.
the only thing that is not disappointing about people,
is their unfailing ability to disappoint.
Im sorry, my views are very bitter and cynical.
But I suppose within reason.
everyone i have ever loved, turned to, or placed my trust in has let me down, in a big way.

I feel completely, and utterly alone.
And I feel like I am slowly losing grip
That my own place was my haven, saving grace, keeping me sane.
Now even that is being torn from me.

Cold times

I feel like I am a right mess. My preventive barriers are crumbling down,
Rock by rock
Stone by stone
Grain by grain.
I promised my mother that I would try and pick up a few pounds, just to appease her.
Im currently sitting in 97lbs. I managed to bloat myself enough with layers of clothing and water to make the scale lie, and say 105. It made it look like I have gained, when I know i have actually lost.
The worst part is that I have been trying to eat more.
or at least more often.
I can't handle large portions of food anymore.
a handful of anything is a days worth of a meal for me.
It sounds so sick.
But on a usual daily basis, I don't over analyze my meals and calories.
When I get hungry, I eat, its just not very often that I do feel hungry.
although I must admit I do get that sickening twinge when I am faced with a pizza or a burger and I see all the oil and grease, It makes me feel physically ill. I have just become so accustomed to usually turning it down, or getting a sandwich instead of a burger.
Or something else.
Or nothing.
we had a family meal the other day for my grandfathers birthday, He got himself nice and plastered, then constantly commented on my weight the entire night.
The last thing I need after a long day of work is to get to my mother's house and hear this bullshit.
On the bright side, my aunt said I looked great.
And this "friend" I have been spending time with, loves the fact that im small, and that bones protrude.
He can't seem to get enough of my hips.
I did get a fright the other day though,
I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a very long time, something I quite often am content with avoiding, I saw ribs and hips, and still thought to myself, my stomach is still not flat, my shoulders still look huge, and my thighs and gigantic.
I suppose its somethings that just never disappears.
I have just been feeling really despondent lately.
quite and sucked into myself.
not something that is easily explained,
I just don't feel like the people or the world lately, I want to sit in a peaceful place and just not exist for a little while. Not die, just not exist.
and then return when my mind has sorted itself out.
picked itself off of the ground and out of the gutter.

Beauty?

Apparently I am "tiny and petite".
That made me want to spit my drink out.
I have huge beautiful eyes. I am captivating.
All beautiful lies to lure one into bed i suppose. Although I seem to be the one doing all the luring.
I have become a flirt. I know this.
But It is unfamiliar ground that is so tempting to tread on.
We went to a do on Saturday night, and as my friend put it, i had a "horde" of men following me everywhere.
down to my siblings friends who had barely even noticed me before.
It was great, even more so since the one guy I had my eye on noticed me the most.
It feel great but unfamiliar.
Is it not strange how once the body starts to distort, the perceptions of others seem to change as well.
But then I seem to question if it not maybe the way that I am carrying myself lately.
I have an air of confidence around me.
I smile, I laugh.
Unfamiliar emotions.
It feels great, and the people around me feel great, about me and themselves.
But then I go home.
Sip my glass of wine. Drag on my cigarette.
And it all seems so lost and pointless.
A fleeting moment of happiness, blanketed by an eternity of sorrow.

Stranger Tides

I had lunch with my mum last week. I knew it was coming, but i suppose I couldn't hold it off any longer.
The first while was pleasant, we spoke of menial things, like furniture and housework and the new sofa I want to buy. Then she took my hand, gave me that look, and told me that she was worried about me.
She told me I look skeletal, I am a whisper of what I used to be.
The sick thing is, that made me smile.
But I could see her face. Her worry. The only person I don't want to disappoint.
How do you explain that you aren't trying to hurt yourself? Well not really, That it is just a natural turn in life.
That I am not going to die.
I sat there and ate an entire sandwich at lunch. It made me so sick, but I managed to finish. I could barely eat the next day I was so full and sick still.
She told me that she thinks I just don't eat.
That it is the medication.
That I need to go see a doctor.
I told her I eat normally during the day,
That i don't know why I am losing so much weight, that It could just be stress.
Work and relationship related stress.
I said I don't want to see a doctor.
One of my worst fears, and my last experience was not a great one.
A possible cancerous one. of which she does not know.
I am even more terrified of them now.
I gave her a compromise, I said I will make a conscious effort to eat more. try put on a little more weight.
she seemed happy at that. She weighed me in, I was 101 after the massive meal and lots of water.
I weighed in at 98 this morning.
I can't do it. I physically cannot eat more.
and I know that my body is starting to look a little odd now. but i like it.
I love the gap between my legs, the fact tha my ribs show between my breasts when i take a deep breath. That if i pull my stomach in, it is hollow and my ribs are protruding.
I am not trying to kill myself.
This is how I have always been.
just for some reason, my discipline has been infinitely doubled, I feel powerful. In control.
I feel like I am gaining some portion of my life back.
But at the same time, destroying my mother.
She told me I was making her think of my dead grandmother, who died of cancer years ago.
And before she passed she was very sick, and lost a lot of weight.
How am I supposed to react to that kind of comment?

The Road to Self Destruction

So apparently everyone is so "happy" that I'm looking so well and lively, and doing just so darn well. I'm going out. seeing people, having a couple of drinks. You know the things single people do.
They Don't see the level of inebriation reached, well not so much anymore, from the amount being consumed i suppose. They don't see the times of sobriety between each day become less, and fuzzy.
Going to bed at 4am on a work night, waking up at 6. and doing it 3 nights in a row.
Barely flinching.
Less food. More alcohol. and cigarettes.
But they politely ignore the subtle perfume of wine and smoke in the morning, and the darkening rings under my eyes.
Silly little single woman.
It is just a phase.
Yet now that she is Single, she is a flirt. She goes out way too much. and the men are all over her.
This is the opinion of my best friend.
Who has now become jealous at the fact that I have spread my wings a little for the first time in my life. She has harbored almost a sense of hatred towards me, for my weight loss (as she is slightly larger than me), and for the notice that people are taking. For she was the one who always turned heads, even if she was a bigger lady. She is gorgeous and oozes self confidence, Men just want to bath in that aura and beauty. I always politely sat In the sidelines and drank the free alcohol they bought for her and I in order to try and sweet talk her into bed.
Since the dawn of time, I have always found myself in some kind of a committed relationship. even this last abortion of a relationship was just supposed to be a "fling".
I ended up getting engaged.
And then it ended.
Now I want to live.
To breathe.
I have reconnected with a friend that I have barely spoken to in years. It might just be conincedtal that many years ago we slept together.
But This is just light. Friends with benefits.
The old cliche.
And it is so refreshing, Iv spoken about things I forgot I even cared about. Thought about future plans for myself that I tucked so far back in the closet that I thought them impossible.
I feel heavy and light at the same time.
I feel like I am on the path of self destruction, but at the same time, on some parallel path to self discovery and exploration.
I am my own best friend and worst enemy. I both love and Hate myself. I am both Elated and Devastated.
But the insanity of the conversations that i Have with myself is what I suspect keeps me sane.

Silence

Im sorry I have been so quiet lately. This little while has been, strange.
So we finally had our "talk" on friday. I told Him that i dont want to get back together with Him, because I dont know Him anymore, He is a child and He is cowardly. He then asked if we could ever be friends and I said no, I can never be friends with you, I dont want to see you, or hear from you or have you in any part of my life.
It hurt but it had to be done.
I'm keeping up appearances pretty well I think.
I didn't cry, I was probably a little more harsh and cold than I should have been. But that's kind of how I saw it going down. and He deserved every word I said.

Yesterday I went to dinner with my best male friend. silly naive me thought that he was trying to make me feel better. forget things for a little while. No. There are always other motives when it concerns the male gender.
He kissed me. And it was horrible.
Firstly because it was just an awful kiss, like a washing machine and a vacuum cleaner hybrid. I ave no feelings towards this friend and he knew that. and he knows how messed up i am about the break up.
I mean 4 years, an engagement, and then he tries his luck. they are all the same.
Then I was overwhelmed by how much I actually miss Him, miss kissing Him.
Our bodies just worked so well together. We were so in tune.
 I told this friend that I cant see him anymore and maybe we should stop spending time together, because I have no intention of kissing him, or dating him, or leading him on.
And I just got a text from him.

Another thing that has been eating at my conscience lately is my mother. I know she is so worried about me but I don't know what to do. When I see her, she makes comments about my weight, but she also defends it in her mind with things like work, and the break up. And I heard her defending my honor to a family member the other day when they commented on my weight. I don't want to make her worry, I love her so dearly and I know she knows I have a problem but we have never really spoken about it. I know she also has a problem but it has not developed to my level yet, and I sometimes worry that I maybe influenced that. When I visit, or am with her I try to eat as normally as possible. I will organize my entire day around it so that I can have a full meal so that she will not worry. Yet at the same time, I am screaming inside with every bite that is going into my mouth. It is exhausting.

I feel sick and tired and empty.
I know I will go on but it is like a little hole has been left, and nothing is filling it.
And noone is giving me the time to just process. Everyday has to have some menial activity because everyone has this fear that I am going to have some sort of a breakdown. If this constant flow of people doesnt stop soon, then i fear I might.

I still haven' t had a good cry.

I just wanted to thank all of you for the support through this time, and for reading the manic rants. You guys really make it a little easier and I cannot think of a day without this support system.
So thank you, eternally

xxx

Achieving Goals!!!!!

I weighed in this morning at 100 lbs! my first goal weight. yeah!!! Im so happy i could dance. or sing. or cry.
and that is despite the rubbish i had yesterday. well all i had to eat was an avo salad, but it was one of those premade, store bought, heart-attack-in-a-box kind of salads. and then we went out last night and i had a cider. The problem is i love my cider, and it is so bloating and fattening. I should rather stick to my wine. which i do when i am at home, but cider is just so much more sociable.

So we went out last night, and again I saw people i havent seen in months, and even maybe a year. I could feel their eyes looking me up and down when they saw me, as in they were thinking, what happened. But everyone just smiled and said "you look great", "your hair is amazing". it still felt good. and i wore a skin tight dress, something i have never, ever done in my life, ever.

I dropped my Friend off at home after our night out. He then proceeded to passionately kiss me outside of his house, in the middle of the street. He was slightly tipsy, but i was stone cold sober. He tried to get me to go upstairs with him, but i told him i had work in the morning. then he literally got down on his knees and begged. so i left. i told him he has to earn it.

Sleeplessness

I'm not entirely sure what happened this weekend. It kind of flew by in a whirlwind of motion. Saturday night we decided to have a girls night out, because He was having some get together at His place that we were originally supposed to go to.
So we thought fuck-it and lets drink..
I Have chopped all of my hair off, about 4 days ago, a huge feat and a really refreshing one too. I love it. My hair used to be down to my ass. Now I can barely run my fingers through it.
So we dressed up to the nines. I wore this hot dress, heels and smokey make up. I'm not a heels and make up kind of gal. tonight i though lets go for it. New hair. New life.
We got out and i looked and felt hot. everyone was staring, obviously because i was hairless. They kept saying how great it looked, and how happy and refreshed i looked.
The dress also showed off my my hard earned bones, which i usually try hard to cover up to stop needless questions.
I bumped into an old friend of mine, one that i had a fling with a couple of years ago, nothing serious, we just had fun and stayed friends. the first thing he said was how much weight i had lost, and how gorgeous i looked. I felt elated, even more so that he seemed concerned about the amount of weight lost.
It sounds so stupid. But it felt like for the first time, in all this motion of crap, my hard work was starting to pay off.
and it felt good.
so we drank, and drank, and danced. now i can't and don't usually dance. and now i remember why. I even got this friend of mine to dance with me, and he REALLY doesn't dance. but there we were. basically ballroom dancing in a night club. and it was so much fun.
I've forgotten what it feels like to go out and let loose.
i used to be crazy, and spontaneous. Not anxious and... this.
We all ended back at my place at about 7am. and then it happened, he kissed me.
It was just a kiss, and i was drunk and giddy at the time.
but its still odd.
I spoke to him about it later, and then he asked me if we are going to have "the talk". I'm like whoa. I'm barely even broken up "Him". I am not going into anything. at all. He said he understood. but then still asked me on a date.
Men.
I told him i need to sort all my shit out first, and then maybe I'll get back to him. Either way, he's still my friend.
On the bright side of the drama spectrum.
I feel better than I have in weeks.
Well not yesterday.
Yesterday I was hungover as all hell.

Comfortably Numb

Everyone is worried. I think mostly because of how I am reacting to everything.
And my reaction is very... minimal. Almost no reaction at all.
But the constant eggshells and tiptoeing is going to drive me insane. My shells are already crushed, there is no point in trying to be nice about it.
I think it is all still sinking in. I'm trying not to think about it all, because when i do this sick wave of nauseating emotion completely overwhelms me, and I am sucked under the current.
I went to go and fetch all of my stuff at His place this morning.
I went early when He was in class.
I left a nice pile of all his shit that He had left at my place on His bed, along with some items He had given me that i no longer have the stomach to look at.
I think He'll get the hint.
It was weird. I got it done in a matter of minutes, I got a big toasty garbage bag, threw all of my belongings into it, and fled the scene. Tomorrow I'll take my key to his mother's.
I just can't believe that it is over.
That He feels so little for me. That I am nothing. That everything meant nothing.
I don't want to love Him anymore.

Over

So He finally did it. He finally plucked up the balls to end it. So its over. I'm not sure how to react. It doesn't feel real, like I'm stuck in some horrible looping nightmare and I'm going to wake up any second now and it will be Over.
He said He still "loves" me but He doesn't love what we have so He needs a break. what the fuck does that mean. I saw this coming. I should have nipped it in the bud. But i didn't. Maybe because I still love Him. Maybe because I'm the only one still giving a fuck.
I cried for a solid day and now I'm all dried out. Now i break down at the most inopportune times, like making tea, or driving. More deadly than texting and driving.
I went to a party tonight, A friends birthday party so that i didnt sit at home thinking about it.
It was awful, all i got was "oh shame" looks and everyone asking me if i was ok every two seconds and, do i want another drink, why am i not eating, whats wrong? why am i so quiet? ANd then the worst came. Sober me was confronted with drunken birthday girl trying to lecture me on breakups and love lifes. and how i am so much better off without Him. Thats not what I want to hear.
I want to listen to mindless conversation about stupid clothing and family problems and not think about anything and not say anything.
The only good thing that has come out of this is that I haven't eaten in three days. Not a conscious decision, I've just felt too sick, too icky to put anything in my mouth.
1.5 lbs down and I havent even tried. I just have this constant nauseous feeling. sick to my core.
4 years wasted. And He doesn't care. I mean nothing.
I am nothing.
I can't do this anymore.
I just want to wake up... 

Down We Go

I cut myself tonight. Something I haven't done in a long time. I have a mixture of feelings, guilt, satisfaction, and total numbness.
I think I may have gone a little too deep though, my leg has gone all tingly and the bleeding won't stop. I just strapped gauze around it and went into the kitchen to make myself tea.
Its surreal how it goes from one extreme to the other and you feel as though the world around you has a slight buzz and is completely unaware of anything. oblivious to life.
I broke. I cried. I cut. I made tea. It is the sequence of events that unfold in life. completely natural.
I didn't get the sense of relief that used to unfold over me. There was no pain, no emotions, nothing. Maybe that's what I wanted. Or maybe I just wanted to drown in a bathtub of blood tonight. Though my bodily shame would not have allowed that. for me to be found in such a state.
So now, I will go drink my tea, take some pills, and try and sleep.
I will dream of a lifetime where none of this exists.
And I am happy.

Today

Today was something else. Aside from my major hungover binge i had yesterday, at least i redeemed that partially today with a morning run and then salad and a small piece of chicken to eat all day. But i might have walked in on something wrong.
He kept texting me during work, asking what i was doing, if i was going there, checking where i was every two seconds. which is very unusual behavior for Him. i knew something was up. So after work i thought i would "surprise" Him with dinner. only to find this girl standing outside His place smoking.
This usually wouldn't freak me out so badly but He has been very strange lately and has been spending a lot of time with her. to the point where He blows me off for her.
He had a huge lunch break today, which, it seems like centuries ago in a time where He still gave a rats fucking ass, He usually would have made some kind of effort to see me, or at least make me feel bad for not going to go and visit him. He did in the end see me, for two seconds, but with girl in arm.
she even had the audacity to walk between us when i walked them to the car as if she had some ownership or something.
My mind is wondering to a very dark place and im not enjoying the ride. I have been here before and i don't want to do this all again. When i got there they both looked so guilty that it scared the shit out of me. she wouldn't even look me in the eye. Now why would she be so afraid to look at me if it was just a harmless visit.
HE drove her all the way home and i sat his place waiting for Him like some kind of sad battered wife. He won't even drive to my place unless i kick and scream. I always have to visit him. after shit long hours of work, and 3 weeks without a break. But I dont complain until I eventually snap.
And He can't understand why I won't move out of the country with Him.
He's already moving on with His life.
And I'm the one left in the horrifying wake of destruction.

Drenched

Another Saturday night. Another bottle of wine. right now i dont care about the calories, its probably just gonna come straight out again at the rate im drinking. Plus, I deserve this bottle. I Have been good ALL week.
all i had today was half a salad and a bite of a chicken health wrap thing. which was so disgusting i didnt finish it,
I think He is cheating on me. well not officially yet but he is getting there. I guess thats the problem when you dat somebody who is still in college.
He wont let me see his messages and He is very secretive about his conversations.
I know He met this new girl at college and i met her once at His place. But He is constantly on His phone to her, and talking about her and shit,
maybe im jsut paranoid.
well i know im paranoid.
But a while ago i found old messages and shit from his ex, not that old since it was in december and she is a pretty old ex.
WE have been dating for 4 years already.
he still says I LOVE YOU to her.
But its fine. He's going to fucking leave me anyway.
On the bright side, I lost 3 lbs this week. Yay me. 105 now. I started at 130. I think im doing well. I hit a plateau, but i seem to be going down again now since iv started exercising now that i have the time again. my thighs are hating me for it.
ok, im too sober and i need a smoke.

Long Day

Today was not great. Not atrocious, just not great. Too much entered myself today. the numbers were too high and this sickly feeling of full is left with me. But i was under prying eyes the whole day and i could not escape, I could not control the beast once it had started.
But still, even salads are evil. It is all evil.
I want to curl up and never see light, never see food, never see anyone.
Im tired of the prying questions and the strange looks.
IT took me an hour to get ready fpr work today. I realized that none of my jeans fit me anymore, They all hang off of me.
This should make me happy, but I dont have the money to buy new clothes.
I dont have the money for anything.
Only cigarettes and Wine. My two vices that will always stay empty in my mind.
I can drink and smoke till i pass out.
THough it is tough during the week.
But my weekends are wrecked by heaving chests and the smell of stale Wine in the morning.
It keeps me going.
Just one day at a time.
And that way, I don't have to think of Him, and how he is going to leave me.

To get me through the day

Some beauty

 

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Happy consumerist day

Call me cynical, but the idea  of candies and hearts and all this mushy manufactured nonsense is not my ideal way to spend a tuesday. Energy can be spent on such better things, like griping about how awful candies and luminescent pink and red hearts are.
I see a red heart, i want to paint it black.
So please, get your pathetic little updates and gushings out of my sight, or i may implode.
If you spend a whole year  waiting for one day to celebrate this so called thing called love, then I am very very sad for you.
Is it not supposed to be celebrated daily, is everyday not meant for silly little things like candy and flowers. Apparently not. Apparently we need the media to give us a day to express our love.
Named days are useless and quite frankly, annoying.
So this is my not-so-cynical rant about the wonders of a day, which originally had nothing to do with love, flowers and candy.

Sunrise

It is the age old story. Boy meets neurotic girl, fall in love, boy loses interest, girl loses her mind. Its pathetic the hold of which another has over your ability to feel and render yourself useful. Such weakness to let my guard down so much, so fall into this web of complicated tricks and lies. I was happy on my own.
Without Him.
Without all of these wretched complicated feelings.
And I am here, left alone.
Funny how that always happens. Funny how only my bits and self are left aching while the world carries on turning.
I woke up this morning to the sun rising again, 5am. my ritualistic 3 hours of sleep were had and my body was no longer craving sleep. That or the terrors were to bad to sleep through anymore. When i wake it feels as though I have run a long race. possibly to Hell and back. nobody would know.
I can't stop shivering. I NEED to stop shivering,
I cannot stand being cold anymore.
cold and burdened with this pathetic self.
maybe some day the sun will rise and warm my skin. but for now i will wrap myself up and shiver as another day comes into light.

What a surreal world we live in

This isn't something profound.

I speak to strangers because there is no one else who listens. This is my last resort at sanity.
It is not a search for pity or empathy. It is merely a vehicle for thought. somewhere to set the cobwebs of the mind out into some sort of freedom and gain minor satisfaction from it all.

This is the quiet screaming out, and her name is Alice.