Insanity

And today started out so well....
I woke up in a fantastic mood, all ready to see my man
only to have him tell me that he needs to cancel because of work.
Its stupid, but something inside me snapped.
Today of all days I just needed to see him, have some sense of normality and reality.

Ok now for my psychoticness.. I have these anxiety attacks
well im not even sure if they are even anxiety attacks
But it starts with pins and needles, then leads to a sense of numb
that consumes my entire body
and im left there feeling terrified
and everything moves in fast forward
every sound and movement is amplified
screams and roars echo in my head.
its too awful to explain.

This has been happening since I can fist recall at about age 5.
and it happened the other night when I was baked
But at a even larger level.
It was like i was completely sucked out of reality.
everything was just looping in a sequence, nothing made sense.
It was like I was stuck in some infinite time loop.
it was the worst 5 hours of my life.

And then again last night
I am losing my mind
I have spent the last 5 hours cleaning my house, while drinking and smoking
and trying to be sane
I dont think it is working
i am losing my mind
the only thing that numbs it is alcohol
and my dependence is frightening.
Fuck

Candles, everywhere

And I know it is a few days late...
I have been so useless with my blog of late.

But I want to wish my dear Ruby a happy Birthday.

And i hope that the day turned out better, and evolved into all the lovely things that you deserve,
because you only deserve the best.

Love to you dear

xxxx

You don't know how it fees to be alive, until you know how it feels to die

I have read through a couple of my older posts
i know so many of them seem so cynical and bleak.
I wish I could change that
I contemplated recovery today. and i just couldn't stomach it
literally and menatlly i suppose.

I don't want to feel this way every day.
or want to detroy the mere image of myself
but it is how it goes.

I  have spent the past two days eating nothing but soup
a low cal soup that I made
and wine
and cigarettes
the story of my fucking life
not to mention that I am actually missing him
and all I want to do is be even less of myself by the time he gets back from his business trip.
I am not even hungry
and I have found that when i am not feeeling quite myself
i eat less

My mother went on a little holiday today, and the last thing she said to me was
"please eat".
That broke my heart.
Because I barely have
not because I want to, but because I just cant.

I can't justify why I am this way
Why I want to be non existant and thin
sometimes i suppose the better half of my mentality kicks in
and I want to get better
be able to eat like "normal" people do
Yet at the same time, i find myself comparing myself to every single person that passes me.
Am I thinner than  her?
Are her thighs thinner than mine?
How will i restrict to be able to achieve this?

and the fact that he is away.
I found that I just am not hungry
I am not craving anything at the moment
I just want to be empty
And i know this is continuing my sad pathetic cynical view.
But fuck it

I want to, but I cant
I just want to be the sickliest
the most skeletal
and that is somehow not right....
I don't crave death.
I just can't stop the screaming for perfection.
And I know that can never be achieved, by me at least

Biological Wreck

The past two days i have been severely, unexplainably emotional
and agressive
and sensitive.
I burst into tears over some little agreement I had with a friend
and when my man told me he had to leave town for a few days for work
I cried some more
I could not explain it
other than finally turning the bend
And then i started my period today. which makes everything clearer
The binging, the tears, the unexplained anger

Because I am not generally an angry person, psychotic maybe
but not angry and agressive
and it just bothered me that everyone was getting under my skin.
Sometimes i question the design of the female system

I feel like a blimp, like I am a mass wading through the universe
My mum commented on my weight the other day and said that i am losing too much,
but i know I have gained
I can feel it
and I haven't actually weighed myself in a couple of days because I am trying to tone down the obsessive weighing I do every day
It has become my ritual
So I am limiting myself to every three days
at least then I will also know if the numbers are being more accurate or not.

Sigh
I feel so sick

Weekend Blues

Last week was awful
I purged until there was nothing left in me.
on the bright side,
I got my weight down, but for how long?
and I know its probably just water.

I was sitting and contemplating the other day
about eating disorders and everything fucked up i suppose.
I remember my mum once telling me when I was 13 that anorexia is addictive.
My mum is addicted to laxatives,
Im not sure if she knows that I know.
But I know the signs
And I mean christ, I have been living with this long enough to tell.
That and I have probably nicked numerous ones on many a visit.
She has only had this problem for about a year now.
visibly anyway
and that got me thinking,
was it my fault that she is now like this.
Did she "catch" my disease?
If I was slightly more sane and well would she be like this?
I don't want anyone to suffer the way that I do
especially not my own mother...

I spent the whole weekend with him.
And it was amazing
i love how his fingers are stained because he smokes too much,
and that he tries to numb himself with alcohol
and that i never have to feel like I am an actual alcoholic when i am around him.
I watched him get rather inebriated this weekend.
and its lovely.
Because when he drinks, he is curious and honest.
Except when he asks me
what the deal is with how i see myself...
he said that its really none of his business and if i never tell him that is fine
but i know he knows.
Im not sure if he know the extent or severity
but he knows
and that made me want to confess
and plead
and cry
but instead i just laighed, brushed it off,
lied as we are so goddamn good at
and moved on.
I dont want him to know just how fucked up I am
That I am haunted every day
he doesnt deserve to be dragged into this dark pit.
whats the point anyway
It is not like he can "save" me or help me in any regard
all he can then do is judge me and pity me
and that is the very last thing that i want