Monday, 21 January 2013

Silly Heart

I don't know where I stand anymore.
Although this week was great because I managed to get a grip on myself.
At least with eating.
It wasnt much.
But I forced myself to have lunch and dinner every day.
despite the fact that i have only eaten salad for the last week
and a cheese stick.

I have dropped weight again,
But I feel like maybe this will slowly aid into some kind of healing progression
I know I am still sick
and its not going to get better
at least soon anyway.
It is literally taking every inch of my strength,
because I still dont want to get better.
A solid schedual of meal times.
With a food that I consider to be safe.
I can eat salad by the gallon.
I dont, but I can...

It is difficult. And Every day is a struggle.
But no one knows that better than you, my dears.
I am absolutely terrified because tonight My dear man is making us dinner.
And the anxiety of the thought of having to eat it is just overwhelming
The worst part is that his food is delicious
And always so beautifully prepared
It almost seems a waste to eat it

It is taking a lot of talking to myself
"you dont need that"
"You need to eat something"
Just a handful and you will be full
but full on something substantial.
That is my goal.
2 meals a day.
good food
I can do it

I can

The only thing that puts me off slightly is my Housemate
She giver me dirty looks every time I prepare a meal.
With such stunning comments and questions like
"are you on a diet?"
"oh dont you know, she never eats anyway"
"you will fall through your own ass"

It is not very inspiring. at least not to recovery.
I have never told a soul
but I know they know.
I mean.
the way I have gained and lost weight over these long years
The way my dear makes comments about it, even though he's only ever really brought it up once
and when I dismissed it, He never brought it up again.
But he is the same.
I know he has the same kind of relationship with food.
or at least sees it in the same light.
Which in a sense is good and bad for me
Because god is he a feeder.

Yesterday I ate "real" food.
and it ended up being so rich for me that I have been sick the entire night.
Maybe that is a sign to just stick to my salad.
I feel so ill That I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep all day.
oh dear
I cannot win

Thursday, 3 January 2013

And into the Dark Unknown we tread

My darling plums.

I have been so quiet, and i am so sorry. My internet has been down for the past two months and I have not been able to get a single word in.
Other than the odd peek when I visit my mother, just to check up on all of you...

Things have been very strange of late
I will not disclose my weight
I have ballooned these festive holidays,
But i suspect it might be due to drinking more than actual eating
although once i drink too much, that is when I binge

i have a firm grasp on it all now  and I am on fast day 2
and my back is killing me.

My new years was odd.
everything is just odd lately

My man has taken to basically moving in with me.
Not that I mind, really, I love spending time with him
and i do miss him when he is not around
But its a huge committment and step I am not sure I am willing to plunge into just yet.
But tell that to his cleared shelf space and his own set of keys.

That and he told me he loved me
and I just sat there and stared at him like a fool.
I know I am falling in love with him
But saying it to him holds so much more power.
It scares the living crap out of me.

My friends are basically non existent anymore,
and who know what cause is that.
i cannot speak to them anymore.
They may rant and rave as much as they like
but god forbid I just open my mouth.
I am going insane.

I had a fight with him last night and tried to take comfort in a dear friend.
Nothing huge, just a petty argument.
Nothing to write home about
But it still upset me
the sole response I got was
"the honeymoon period must finally be ending"
one fight and im not allowed to have romance anymore?
i feel as if there is some animosity as soon as I feel a slight hint of happiness.
A slight glow and the people that claim to love me will go out of their way to make me feel impossible awful. guilty for wanting a genuine smile and glimpse of life outside of the shadows.

I know how pathetic and gripey I sound.
But all i want right now is to go home, curl up on my couch with a mug of tea
and just forget the world

and maybe smoke a carton of cigarettes