Negligence

I have been neglecting all of this and everything for too long now.
I'm not even sure how long I have been out of the loop now.
But I am so, so sorry I have been so quiet.

So I have been terribly sick, booked off work, lying in bed, unable to move and all that nonsense.
Turns out I have a Kidney infection.
Funny how these things happen when you abuse your body.
But I have been man down, quite literally, for a week now.

breathing, never mind smoking hurt so much I wanted to rip my own hair out.

On the bright side of my little wagon,
I spent last weekend with a few friends and my man (that still does not sound right).
I was abit nervous at first because I knew I would have to uphold some sort of normal eating habit around them. But it turned out that we were so wasted the entire weekend that nobody even noticed to miniscule amount that I ate.
I was listening to a conversation my friends were having, and now they have a little more meat on their bodies, which is fine with me. they carry it. they are beautiful. they are comfortable.
I wish I could feel like that if I looked like that. But anyway,
One of them, made a blindsided comment about how ALL women should have meat and curves
Because you know, only dogs like bones.
I just kept quiet, i do not like getting involved in these kind of conversations.
All I hear is my man, from the other side of the room, shouting "hey!".
That made me smile a little.

But there was a similar instance the other night when a bunch of us made dinner together,
when I dished up for myself, I had comments thrown at the amount of food on my plate.
So I said out straight, would you prefer it if I dished up more and wasted the entire lot?
Then I made them all desert, and I served it to them, but i didnt give myself any.
They know that I dont eat desert, I never have.
And the one friend makes an observation, "why are you not eating desert.
are you scared that you will get fat?
too late."

I knew It was in jest.
I knew He was just trying to get some kind of reaction out of me
but they must learn to stay the fuck out of my business.
if the person that I am dating/not dating can manage to suck it up and not comment on it
or ask me about
or ostracize me
Then why do the rest feel the need to.

Sweet Sunday

 So i figured I haven't uploaded any pics In a long while. So here are some pretty inspirations to lift the spirits. because mine are feeling annoyingly high at the moment...

So after two, almost 3 days of fasting. i got myself down to 97. Elation.
I know that It is probably just water weight. but it still feels so much better than 115.
and I don't feel bloated and awful anymore.
It is like my body has finally gotten over its little hissy fit and now is resuming normal functions.
That and I have been eating lots of fruits and water and all that jazz..

93 is my next goal.
It is only 5 lbs. But is the tough lbs to lose now.
exercise water and all that crap.

Im sorry I am probably just rambling right now, I am functioning off of very little sleep from this entire weekend.
Friday night I bumped, like literally walked face first, smack bang, into my ex.
at our local watering hole.
It was awkward beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
I wanted to die, or run, or just disappear.
but I could not because I was doing the drink orders and it was at the bar.
needless to say we did not greet each other.
I did a smashing job of looking at him like i did not even recognize him,
like he was some vermin filth that had stumbled too close to my drink.
Being an emotionless droid is one of my more charming traits.

But I wanted to just leap with happiness when my friend jumped in to save me.
or my man (apparently) as we are being to referred to as a couple.
and even he made the Freudian slip of tongue of calling us a couple
After friday He can call us what ever the fuck he wants.
He leaped in, bluntly flirted with me, making obvious physical contact and suggestions.
and promptly placed his arm around me and carried on with his other conversation.
It was truly sweet on his part.

It made me realise one thing. and that is how I think I am starting to develop real feelings for him.
Sad and unfortunate.
typical me.
complicate the uncomplicated
But i still plan to just take the whole thing easy and see where this goes.
who knows
it could nose dive off of the edge of a cliff
then ill really have something to laugh about bitterly

Better Days

First of all, I just wanted to thank Gabrielle for your endless words of support and wisdom.
I know you are always there.
And I just wanted to say thank you


So I have managed to pull myself together again
Well if by mean pull myself together, by my stupid methods. then yeah.
But anyway. I did a juice, water, fruit fast for about 2 days and one complete fasting day
- which ended in a booze binge
which you can only imagine the level of drunk that I hit.
after two drinks
and i know how to hold my liquor


but I have managed to get myself back down to 99.
and I feel slightly less bloated and disgusting.
and the hunger pangs are back (which i love in a sick twisted kind of way)


So i feel more hopeful than I have in a while.
Tomorrow is my friends birthday,
and as is tradition we are doing cake and tea.
I have been up all night baking cupcakes and cakes and all sorts of things
and tomorrow I will try and resist, only have one at the most.


This weekend I also plan to fast, and see how that goes. just give my body a little bit of a reboot
but let us see if i can resist the alcohol.


xxx

The Edge

Sometimes it is difficult to try and justify an insane mind or at least an insane state of mind.
I think I am losing grip. I am so depressed and lethargic that I feel like i can barely function anymore.
Last night was a clear indicator for me.
I had many people who asked me to join them in their friday night festivities,
but i declined. using terrible, unrealistic excuses.
my friend went away this weekend,
I was supposed to go with, but I was working so i had to say no last minute.
We chatted just before he left, speaking about what he will get up to, and my giant plans.
"oh I am joining a friend for supper on friday (drinking too much and ending in a puddle of tears) and Saturday I'm going to the clubs (repeat of friday)."
pathetic.
Last night I polished off two bottles of wine.
lay in the bath for three hours, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes.
and proceeded to sob uncontrollably until i managed to drunkenly stumble to the couch and pass out.

Today I fainted when I arrived at work, possibly from not eating anything in a day and a half and then consuming two bottles of wine. and then had to put up with my colleagues chatting about my ex all day.

I went bat-shit crazy at one of my colleagues the other day, for telling me that I am not over Him and that we will probably end up back together and have little children together. then, in jest, she called him my "boyfriend" and i lost it. like a child.
I felt terrible straight away and tried to justify my reactions.
But it will never erase the things I said and the way I said it.

Then to put the cheery on the cake, it has been PMS week.
and my uterus had decided that it wanted to consume EVERYTHING in sight.
and i gained about 10lbs.
I wanted to die

I have managed to shave off about 8 of them, but i still feel bloated and terrible.

and we had "the talk".
apparently I had been ignoring him or something to that extent, i actually thought i was being rather clingy.
strange how we perceive it.
and then we had to sit down and discuss what this fucked up situation really is.
something i have been avoiding for so long.
he told me that he didnt want to be lead on and he would understand if i was not ready to delve myself into something right not.
i am not really sure if I am, I dont know if I want to invest myself in someone so easily and freely again.
or so soon anyway.
I liked to free spiritedness of it all.
But I guess he did not like the fuck buddy idea.
I did tell him that if i have been acting strange then it is because i realized that I have developed slight feelings for my fuck biddy and that complicates things.
He wants to see where things can go.
So we both agreed. I suppose, to date?

but then he tells me, about two days after this lovely awkward discussion,
that he plans on moving abroad next year.
lovely.
something i would never hold him back from and I am thrilled for him having the opportunity.
but it seems like every specimen of the male gender i get myself involved with, plans to move away.
I suppose that it was kind to let me know in the early stages so that I cannot let things get serious.
but it is all very frustrating.
now I feel that i am even more reserved and closed up than i was before
something that bothers the crap out of him.
that's just how i am darling.
closed up and complicated.
you chose this.

sigh. now that I feel like i am on the verge of frustrated tears all over again
because I am in control of nothing in my life
not even my weight
I am going to delve into my wine
and smoke my cigarettes
and maybe munch on an apple.
sob

love to all you lovelies
xx