Apologies

So I had somehow managed to make my blog very private for a few days.
I am not sure how i achieved that.
I am terribly sorry.
for all those who care to peek occasionally.

This weekend was abortionate
I am not sure what came over me,
but I think I ate everything in sight, almost 24/7.
It was frightening.

But I grabbed a hold of myself today.
Started running again,
ate fruits and drank water the entire day.
i think it is a good start back on track

My new GW is 95.

95 is a nice solid number.

Today Is The Greatest. Apparently

I have put on 2 lbs.
I seem to have plateaued at 98.

98lbs of disgusting.

I have been eating more.
but I also have been exercising.
I try to eat at least two meals a day.
Even if one of them is just a fruit.
It is more than I was doing before.
I only eat when I am in front of people,
I think that may be my demise,
I never eat when I am alone.
If I spend the weekend by myself, then it is a weekend of fast.
well if a fast contains wine and cigarettes.

The worst part is, I can barely find clothes that will fit me,
yet I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I just see bulges and pathetic rolls of nonsense.
It is sickening.
It is madness

98 lbs of insanity.
and painted smiles
and cracked make up.
and smoke stained fingers

I am so tired.

and so bleak.

God help me, because surely there is no hope for a mind like this one.
Yet next week I will be fine.

Once I ride the wave.

I really hope so.

Shit

He asked me to move in with in.
I think shit just got serious.
In the words of the great piglet
"oh f-f-f-f-uck."

Long Days

I am tired of working 7 days a week.
I am tired of feeling ill all of the time and constantly fighting off infection and illness,
and not having the cash for a medical plan, or just the doctor's office in general.
Or a pack of fucking cigarettes.
I am tired of politely smiling at people when i refuse food when they ask me why i do not eat
or if I am on some diet.
I am not on a diet
This is how I am,
Always was
Always will be
I am tired of looking at food like some some kind of deathly parasite that will feed off of this host.

It is a love hate relationship
We live, we learn

I put on 4lbs.
I wanted to cry, beat the ground
tear down the walls

I lost them after I did nothing but drink, smoke and get high this weekend.
No parasite for me.

Not even the munchies.

It has been years since I touched the stuff, He never approved, I never argued.
I suppose it is some childish little group activity that happens at social gatherings.
I thought maybe I had outgrown it.

This time I just caved.
And god did it take the edge off.
Every thought just stopped, and all I could do was smell, feel and listen.
Blissful.

And my "friend" was lovely. He made A huge effort to get to our gathering that night,
so that he could see me, and then passed no judgement on my state of oozing into the fire and sand
and floor and sky.
He merely kept me warm, and appealed to every part of my heightened sense of touch,
in the most sensitive way.

He told me that I look starved in a good way.
That he loves my ribs and hips.
He is all about strange and distortion
and then normality,
music in the park.
He once questioned the small amount I eat.
I said I have a small stomach
He never brought it up again.
Perfect, Blissful

93...

An Idiot

I don't know what I am doing, getting myself into.
I have been spending quite a lot f time with this "friend" of late.
We are constantly out drinking, being sociable, the lot.
Always landing up at his place, or mine. slightly tipsy.. and then well. need i be too descriptive.
but lately its different. I just want a physical, No nonsense, friends with benefits situation.
Lately I have found myself spending time with him on a more, say, intimate level.
not in a sexual sense, it is more a dinner and a movie strain of events.
I am the twisted sort of person who finds hand holding more intimate than a fuck.
We have managed to somehow avoid anything date-like, always including a person or two.
So that it is not "that" level of relationship.
Until today that is. And I think it happened by complete fluke,
We were out, he was hungry.
We got some lunch on a little Street Cafe.
Or am i just completely over reacting?

Last night I may have freaked out a little.
I may have finally realized that I am developing feelings towards this idiot
and that is beyond terrifying.
I do not want another relationship.
I was lying watching a movie as he was snoozing beside me.
Then I turned to him to give him a cuddle before i had a smoke,
Then he mumbled to me, "That's much better, Now this is home".
while squeezing me.
I think I went ice cold.
I fell asleep beside him, woke up at about 1 am, and then scrambled home,
because I was terrified.
I needed fresh air, and to clear my head.

After our lunch situation today, we went and saw a movie at the cinema,
with another "buffer" friend of course.
but mid-movie he placed his hand on my leg and his head on my shoulder.
I think I may have froze up again,
i felt like a 16 year girl, on her first date.
I could not concentrate on the movie.
Or think.
Or breathe.
Then as We parted ways, He gave me a kiss goodbye,
right there, out in the open,
something he has never done before.
I am not sure how to deal with this.
But I really do not want to have " that talk " again.
Things are getting complicated enough as it is.

oh fuck.
What am i getting myself into??