Tuesday, 24 April 2012

A Bleak Day

Today's raging shit storm of crap has seemed to spiral out of control.
So my house mate has just informed me, "just" being about 3 hours ago, and "now" being my final ability to rant a little bit,
That she can no longer afford to live with me anymore, but will be able to in a few months..
that means I either have to fork out double my usual rent, or move back home for the time being, or find some random flatmate to live with me, which is just not an option.
Moving back to my parents house seems like some sort of cruel suicide.
Yet I think with the recent financial pay issues I have had, pay cuts and other shit, Im not sure If I can handle the finances on my own.
I have looked up prices for smaller places.
and even they seem like a stretch,
I would not have been so irked if she had let me know earlier in the month, so I had time to find a place. not a week before month end.
I suppose that's what i get for putting my trust into people again.
the only thing that is not disappointing about people,
is their unfailing ability to disappoint.
Im sorry, my views are very bitter and cynical.
But I suppose within reason.
everyone i have ever loved, turned to, or placed my trust in has let me down, in a big way.

I feel completely, and utterly alone.
And I feel like I am slowly losing grip
That my own place was my haven, saving grace, keeping me sane.
Now even that is being torn from me.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Cold times

I feel like I am a right mess. My preventive barriers are crumbling down,
Rock by rock
Stone by stone
Grain by grain.
I promised my mother that I would try and pick up a few pounds, just to appease her.
Im currently sitting in 97lbs. I managed to bloat myself enough with layers of clothing and water to make the scale lie, and say 105. It made it look like I have gained, when I know i have actually lost.
The worst part is that I have been trying to eat more.
or at least more often.
I can't handle large portions of food anymore.
a handful of anything is a days worth of a meal for me.
It sounds so sick.
But on a usual daily basis, I don't over analyze my meals and calories.
When I get hungry, I eat, its just not very often that I do feel hungry.
although I must admit I do get that sickening twinge when I am faced with a pizza or a burger and I see all the oil and grease, It makes me feel physically ill. I have just become so accustomed to usually turning it down, or getting a sandwich instead of a burger.
Or something else.
Or nothing.
we had a family meal the other day for my grandfathers birthday, He got himself nice and plastered, then constantly commented on my weight the entire night.
The last thing I need after a long day of work is to get to my mother's house and hear this bullshit.
On the bright side, my aunt said I looked great.
And this "friend" I have been spending time with, loves the fact that im small, and that bones protrude.
He can't seem to get enough of my hips.
I did get a fright the other day though,
I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a very long time, something I quite often am content with avoiding, I saw ribs and hips, and still thought to myself, my stomach is still not flat, my shoulders still look huge, and my thighs and gigantic.
I suppose its somethings that just never disappears.
I have just been feeling really despondent lately.
quite and sucked into myself.
not something that is easily explained,
I just don't feel like the people or the world lately, I want to sit in a peaceful place and just not exist for a little while. Not die, just not exist.
and then return when my mind has sorted itself out.
picked itself off of the ground and out of the gutter.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012


Apparently I am "tiny and petite".
That made me want to spit my drink out.
I have huge beautiful eyes. I am captivating.
All beautiful lies to lure one into bed i suppose. Although I seem to be the one doing all the luring.
I have become a flirt. I know this.
But It is unfamiliar ground that is so tempting to tread on.
We went to a do on Saturday night, and as my friend put it, i had a "horde" of men following me everywhere.
down to my siblings friends who had barely even noticed me before.
It was great, even more so since the one guy I had my eye on noticed me the most.
It feel great but unfamiliar.
Is it not strange how once the body starts to distort, the perceptions of others seem to change as well.
But then I seem to question if it not maybe the way that I am carrying myself lately.
I have an air of confidence around me.
I smile, I laugh.
Unfamiliar emotions.
It feels great, and the people around me feel great, about me and themselves.
But then I go home.
Sip my glass of wine. Drag on my cigarette.
And it all seems so lost and pointless.
A fleeting moment of happiness, blanketed by an eternity of sorrow.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Stranger Tides

I had lunch with my mum last week. I knew it was coming, but i suppose I couldn't hold it off any longer.
The first while was pleasant, we spoke of menial things, like furniture and housework and the new sofa I want to buy. Then she took my hand, gave me that look, and told me that she was worried about me.
She told me I look skeletal, I am a whisper of what I used to be.
The sick thing is, that made me smile.
But I could see her face. Her worry. The only person I don't want to disappoint.
How do you explain that you aren't trying to hurt yourself? Well not really, That it is just a natural turn in life.
That I am not going to die.
I sat there and ate an entire sandwich at lunch. It made me so sick, but I managed to finish. I could barely eat the next day I was so full and sick still.
She told me that she thinks I just don't eat.
That it is the medication.
That I need to go see a doctor.
I told her I eat normally during the day,
That i don't know why I am losing so much weight, that It could just be stress.
Work and relationship related stress.
I said I don't want to see a doctor.
One of my worst fears, and my last experience was not a great one.
A possible cancerous one. of which she does not know.
I am even more terrified of them now.
I gave her a compromise, I said I will make a conscious effort to eat more. try put on a little more weight.
she seemed happy at that. She weighed me in, I was 101 after the massive meal and lots of water.
I weighed in at 98 this morning.
I can't do it. I physically cannot eat more.
and I know that my body is starting to look a little odd now. but i like it.
I love the gap between my legs, the fact tha my ribs show between my breasts when i take a deep breath. That if i pull my stomach in, it is hollow and my ribs are protruding.
I am not trying to kill myself.
This is how I have always been.
just for some reason, my discipline has been infinitely doubled, I feel powerful. In control.
I feel like I am gaining some portion of my life back.
But at the same time, destroying my mother.
She told me I was making her think of my dead grandmother, who died of cancer years ago.
And before she passed she was very sick, and lost a lot of weight.
How am I supposed to react to that kind of comment?