Comfortably Numb

Everyone is worried. I think mostly because of how I am reacting to everything.
And my reaction is very... minimal. Almost no reaction at all.
But the constant eggshells and tiptoeing is going to drive me insane. My shells are already crushed, there is no point in trying to be nice about it.
I think it is all still sinking in. I'm trying not to think about it all, because when i do this sick wave of nauseating emotion completely overwhelms me, and I am sucked under the current.
I went to go and fetch all of my stuff at His place this morning.
I went early when He was in class.
I left a nice pile of all his shit that He had left at my place on His bed, along with some items He had given me that i no longer have the stomach to look at.
I think He'll get the hint.
It was weird. I got it done in a matter of minutes, I got a big toasty garbage bag, threw all of my belongings into it, and fled the scene. Tomorrow I'll take my key to his mother's.
I just can't believe that it is over.
That He feels so little for me. That I am nothing. That everything meant nothing.
I don't want to love Him anymore.

Over

So He finally did it. He finally plucked up the balls to end it. So its over. I'm not sure how to react. It doesn't feel real, like I'm stuck in some horrible looping nightmare and I'm going to wake up any second now and it will be Over.
He said He still "loves" me but He doesn't love what we have so He needs a break. what the fuck does that mean. I saw this coming. I should have nipped it in the bud. But i didn't. Maybe because I still love Him. Maybe because I'm the only one still giving a fuck.
I cried for a solid day and now I'm all dried out. Now i break down at the most inopportune times, like making tea, or driving. More deadly than texting and driving.
I went to a party tonight, A friends birthday party so that i didnt sit at home thinking about it.
It was awful, all i got was "oh shame" looks and everyone asking me if i was ok every two seconds and, do i want another drink, why am i not eating, whats wrong? why am i so quiet? ANd then the worst came. Sober me was confronted with drunken birthday girl trying to lecture me on breakups and love lifes. and how i am so much better off without Him. Thats not what I want to hear.
I want to listen to mindless conversation about stupid clothing and family problems and not think about anything and not say anything.
The only good thing that has come out of this is that I haven't eaten in three days. Not a conscious decision, I've just felt too sick, too icky to put anything in my mouth.
1.5 lbs down and I havent even tried. I just have this constant nauseous feeling. sick to my core.
4 years wasted. And He doesn't care. I mean nothing.
I am nothing.
I can't do this anymore.
I just want to wake up... 

Down We Go

I cut myself tonight. Something I haven't done in a long time. I have a mixture of feelings, guilt, satisfaction, and total numbness.
I think I may have gone a little too deep though, my leg has gone all tingly and the bleeding won't stop. I just strapped gauze around it and went into the kitchen to make myself tea.
Its surreal how it goes from one extreme to the other and you feel as though the world around you has a slight buzz and is completely unaware of anything. oblivious to life.
I broke. I cried. I cut. I made tea. It is the sequence of events that unfold in life. completely natural.
I didn't get the sense of relief that used to unfold over me. There was no pain, no emotions, nothing. Maybe that's what I wanted. Or maybe I just wanted to drown in a bathtub of blood tonight. Though my bodily shame would not have allowed that. for me to be found in such a state.
So now, I will go drink my tea, take some pills, and try and sleep.
I will dream of a lifetime where none of this exists.
And I am happy.

Today

Today was something else. Aside from my major hungover binge i had yesterday, at least i redeemed that partially today with a morning run and then salad and a small piece of chicken to eat all day. But i might have walked in on something wrong.
He kept texting me during work, asking what i was doing, if i was going there, checking where i was every two seconds. which is very unusual behavior for Him. i knew something was up. So after work i thought i would "surprise" Him with dinner. only to find this girl standing outside His place smoking.
This usually wouldn't freak me out so badly but He has been very strange lately and has been spending a lot of time with her. to the point where He blows me off for her.
He had a huge lunch break today, which, it seems like centuries ago in a time where He still gave a rats fucking ass, He usually would have made some kind of effort to see me, or at least make me feel bad for not going to go and visit him. He did in the end see me, for two seconds, but with girl in arm.
she even had the audacity to walk between us when i walked them to the car as if she had some ownership or something.
My mind is wondering to a very dark place and im not enjoying the ride. I have been here before and i don't want to do this all again. When i got there they both looked so guilty that it scared the shit out of me. she wouldn't even look me in the eye. Now why would she be so afraid to look at me if it was just a harmless visit.
HE drove her all the way home and i sat his place waiting for Him like some kind of sad battered wife. He won't even drive to my place unless i kick and scream. I always have to visit him. after shit long hours of work, and 3 weeks without a break. But I dont complain until I eventually snap.
And He can't understand why I won't move out of the country with Him.
He's already moving on with His life.
And I'm the one left in the horrifying wake of destruction.

Drenched

Another Saturday night. Another bottle of wine. right now i dont care about the calories, its probably just gonna come straight out again at the rate im drinking. Plus, I deserve this bottle. I Have been good ALL week.
all i had today was half a salad and a bite of a chicken health wrap thing. which was so disgusting i didnt finish it,
I think He is cheating on me. well not officially yet but he is getting there. I guess thats the problem when you dat somebody who is still in college.
He wont let me see his messages and He is very secretive about his conversations.
I know He met this new girl at college and i met her once at His place. But He is constantly on His phone to her, and talking about her and shit,
maybe im jsut paranoid.
well i know im paranoid.
But a while ago i found old messages and shit from his ex, not that old since it was in december and she is a pretty old ex.
WE have been dating for 4 years already.
he still says I LOVE YOU to her.
But its fine. He's going to fucking leave me anyway.
On the bright side, I lost 3 lbs this week. Yay me. 105 now. I started at 130. I think im doing well. I hit a plateau, but i seem to be going down again now since iv started exercising now that i have the time again. my thighs are hating me for it.
ok, im too sober and i need a smoke.

Long Day

Today was not great. Not atrocious, just not great. Too much entered myself today. the numbers were too high and this sickly feeling of full is left with me. But i was under prying eyes the whole day and i could not escape, I could not control the beast once it had started.
But still, even salads are evil. It is all evil.
I want to curl up and never see light, never see food, never see anyone.
Im tired of the prying questions and the strange looks.
IT took me an hour to get ready fpr work today. I realized that none of my jeans fit me anymore, They all hang off of me.
This should make me happy, but I dont have the money to buy new clothes.
I dont have the money for anything.
Only cigarettes and Wine. My two vices that will always stay empty in my mind.
I can drink and smoke till i pass out.
THough it is tough during the week.
But my weekends are wrecked by heaving chests and the smell of stale Wine in the morning.
It keeps me going.
Just one day at a time.
And that way, I don't have to think of Him, and how he is going to leave me.

To get me through the day

Some beauty

 

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Happy consumerist day

Call me cynical, but the idea  of candies and hearts and all this mushy manufactured nonsense is not my ideal way to spend a tuesday. Energy can be spent on such better things, like griping about how awful candies and luminescent pink and red hearts are.
I see a red heart, i want to paint it black.
So please, get your pathetic little updates and gushings out of my sight, or i may implode.
If you spend a whole year  waiting for one day to celebrate this so called thing called love, then I am very very sad for you.
Is it not supposed to be celebrated daily, is everyday not meant for silly little things like candy and flowers. Apparently not. Apparently we need the media to give us a day to express our love.
Named days are useless and quite frankly, annoying.
So this is my not-so-cynical rant about the wonders of a day, which originally had nothing to do with love, flowers and candy.

Sunrise

It is the age old story. Boy meets neurotic girl, fall in love, boy loses interest, girl loses her mind. Its pathetic the hold of which another has over your ability to feel and render yourself useful. Such weakness to let my guard down so much, so fall into this web of complicated tricks and lies. I was happy on my own.
Without Him.
Without all of these wretched complicated feelings.
And I am here, left alone.
Funny how that always happens. Funny how only my bits and self are left aching while the world carries on turning.
I woke up this morning to the sun rising again, 5am. my ritualistic 3 hours of sleep were had and my body was no longer craving sleep. That or the terrors were to bad to sleep through anymore. When i wake it feels as though I have run a long race. possibly to Hell and back. nobody would know.
I can't stop shivering. I NEED to stop shivering,
I cannot stand being cold anymore.
cold and burdened with this pathetic self.
maybe some day the sun will rise and warm my skin. but for now i will wrap myself up and shiver as another day comes into light.

What a surreal world we live in

This isn't something profound.

I speak to strangers because there is no one else who listens. This is my last resort at sanity.
It is not a search for pity or empathy. It is merely a vehicle for thought. somewhere to set the cobwebs of the mind out into some sort of freedom and gain minor satisfaction from it all.

This is the quiet screaming out, and her name is Alice.