Down We Go

I cut myself tonight. Something I haven't done in a long time. I have a mixture of feelings, guilt, satisfaction, and total numbness.
I think I may have gone a little too deep though, my leg has gone all tingly and the bleeding won't stop. I just strapped gauze around it and went into the kitchen to make myself tea.
Its surreal how it goes from one extreme to the other and you feel as though the world around you has a slight buzz and is completely unaware of anything. oblivious to life.
I broke. I cried. I cut. I made tea. It is the sequence of events that unfold in life. completely natural.
I didn't get the sense of relief that used to unfold over me. There was no pain, no emotions, nothing. Maybe that's what I wanted. Or maybe I just wanted to drown in a bathtub of blood tonight. Though my bodily shame would not have allowed that. for me to be found in such a state.
So now, I will go drink my tea, take some pills, and try and sleep.
I will dream of a lifetime where none of this exists.
And I am happy.