Silly Heart

I don't know where I stand anymore.
Although this week was great because I managed to get a grip on myself.
At least with eating.
It wasnt much.
But I forced myself to have lunch and dinner every day.
despite the fact that i have only eaten salad for the last week
oh
and a cheese stick.

I have dropped weight again,
But I feel like maybe this will slowly aid into some kind of healing progression
I know I am still sick
and its not going to get better
at least soon anyway.
It is literally taking every inch of my strength,
because I still dont want to get better.
A solid schedual of meal times.
With a food that I consider to be safe.
I can eat salad by the gallon.
I dont, but I can...

It is difficult. And Every day is a struggle.
But no one knows that better than you, my dears.
I am absolutely terrified because tonight My dear man is making us dinner.
And the anxiety of the thought of having to eat it is just overwhelming
The worst part is that his food is delicious
And always so beautifully prepared
It almost seems a waste to eat it

It is taking a lot of talking to myself
"you dont need that"
"You need to eat something"
Just a handful and you will be full
but full on something substantial.
That is my goal.
2 meals a day.
good food
I can do it

I can

The only thing that puts me off slightly is my Housemate
She giver me dirty looks every time I prepare a meal.
With such stunning comments and questions like
"are you on a diet?"
"oh dont you know, she never eats anyway"
"you will fall through your own ass"

It is not very inspiring. at least not to recovery.
I have never told a soul
but I know they know.
I mean.
the way I have gained and lost weight over these long years
The way my dear makes comments about it, even though he's only ever really brought it up once
and when I dismissed it, He never brought it up again.
But he is the same.
I know he has the same kind of relationship with food.
or at least sees it in the same light.
Which in a sense is good and bad for me
Because god is he a feeder.

Yesterday I ate "real" food.
and it ended up being so rich for me that I have been sick the entire night.
Maybe that is a sign to just stick to my salad.
I feel so ill That I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep all day.
oh dear
I cannot win