Thursday, 3 January 2013

And into the Dark Unknown we tread

My darling plums.

I have been so quiet, and i am so sorry. My internet has been down for the past two months and I have not been able to get a single word in.
Other than the odd peek when I visit my mother, just to check up on all of you...

Things have been very strange of late
I will not disclose my weight
I have ballooned these festive holidays,
But i suspect it might be due to drinking more than actual eating
although once i drink too much, that is when I binge

i have a firm grasp on it all now  and I am on fast day 2
and my back is killing me.

My new years was odd.
everything is just odd lately

My man has taken to basically moving in with me.
Not that I mind, really, I love spending time with him
and i do miss him when he is not around
But its a huge committment and step I am not sure I am willing to plunge into just yet.
But tell that to his cleared shelf space and his own set of keys.

That and he told me he loved me
and I just sat there and stared at him like a fool.
I know I am falling in love with him
But saying it to him holds so much more power.
It scares the living crap out of me.

My friends are basically non existent anymore,
and who know what cause is that.
i cannot speak to them anymore.
They may rant and rave as much as they like
but god forbid I just open my mouth.
I am going insane.

I had a fight with him last night and tried to take comfort in a dear friend.
Nothing huge, just a petty argument.
Nothing to write home about
But it still upset me
the sole response I got was
"the honeymoon period must finally be ending"
one fight and im not allowed to have romance anymore?
i feel as if there is some animosity as soon as I feel a slight hint of happiness.
A slight glow and the people that claim to love me will go out of their way to make me feel impossible awful. guilty for wanting a genuine smile and glimpse of life outside of the shadows.

I know how pathetic and gripey I sound.
But all i want right now is to go home, curl up on my couch with a mug of tea
and just forget the world

and maybe smoke a carton of cigarettes

1 comment:

  1. You don't sound pathetic at all
    I can relate
    I stopped disclosing my weight on my blog because I didn't want to be defined by a number

    Sometimes it's hard to tell someone we love them because we don't want to be vulnerable
    But don't hold back
    This life is so very short
    Live hard
    Love even harder

    I'm doing exactly that right now, curled up on the couch, my only company a cup of steaming hot tea and a cigarette
    My idea of heaven

    Love to you my dear x