Friday, 30 November 2012

Such Is

I lack the energy to even type this properly
Lately I lack any sorts of energy at all
I am so apathetic to all and everything

And I feel like I just cant go on anymore

I feel like I have gained some enormous amount of weight
But i just cant tell anymore
I cant see what I look like
Because what I see is just huge
When I feel bone
Its not bone enough
When I feel colorbone
Its not colorbone enough
i obsess because its the only thing left to obsess about
the only thing left consuming me

I know I am bloated because Im due for that time of month
and I am so massive
It is making me crazy
In the last two days I have eaten a slice of bread
and purged for the last week

I dont even know why i purge
I know its just water
I know the harm I am doing

I know that it will make me feel terrible for the rest of the day
but i cant stop
I just want to feel empty
I want to disappear
i dont want to do this anymore
I cant do this anymore

I just dont have the energy...

I cant remember the last time i got excited about anything...
had a good laugh
a good smile
i am so numb to everything around me

I have created such a false persona that I cant even tell what is real or not anymore.


I can't...
I don't want to


  1. It breaks my heart to read this Alice, maybe because I can identify so much

    I am so very numb too
    Can't laugh
    Can't cry
    Can't feel

    I hope you know that this isn't the real you
    Your eating disorder has taken over
    This isn't what the real Alice is like

    Sending you hope, faith and courage x

  2. if you read my blog from the beginning of this year i was just the same! i'm similar now but a bit better. are you on antidepressants?