Monday 17 September 2012

Insanity

And today started out so well....
I woke up in a fantastic mood, all ready to see my man
only to have him tell me that he needs to cancel because of work.
Its stupid, but something inside me snapped.
Today of all days I just needed to see him, have some sense of normality and reality.

Ok now for my psychoticness.. I have these anxiety attacks
well im not even sure if they are even anxiety attacks
But it starts with pins and needles, then leads to a sense of numb
that consumes my entire body
and im left there feeling terrified
and everything moves in fast forward
every sound and movement is amplified
screams and roars echo in my head.
its too awful to explain.

This has been happening since I can fist recall at about age 5.
and it happened the other night when I was baked
But at a even larger level.
It was like i was completely sucked out of reality.
everything was just looping in a sequence, nothing made sense.
It was like I was stuck in some infinite time loop.
it was the worst 5 hours of my life.

And then again last night
I am losing my mind
I have spent the last 5 hours cleaning my house, while drinking and smoking
and trying to be sane
I dont think it is working
i am losing my mind
the only thing that numbs it is alcohol
and my dependence is frightening.
Fuck

2 comments:

  1. I have had a similar experience, I think it was an anxiety attack but it felt like I was losing the plot. My body started to shake and twitch and my heart was thumping out of my chest.
    Very scary.

    Can you tell you doctor or someone who can help you? x

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  2. I have had panic attacks before too, I get dizzy and sick and start to shake, can't breathe - just panic basically. It's really severe, I feel like I can't think properly or control my body/walk properly.
    I think I know what you mean about everything seeming to go fast though, it comes on all of sudden, For me that doesn't happen with panic attacks, I don't know what it is.
    I hope you're ok hun. Maybe you could see a doc? If your alcohol dependence is worrying you they can help. Take care <3
    Alice xx

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