You don't know how it fees to be alive, until you know how it feels to die

I have read through a couple of my older posts
i know so many of them seem so cynical and bleak.
I wish I could change that
I contemplated recovery today. and i just couldn't stomach it
literally and menatlly i suppose.

I don't want to feel this way every day.
or want to detroy the mere image of myself
but it is how it goes.

I  have spent the past two days eating nothing but soup
a low cal soup that I made
and wine
and cigarettes
the story of my fucking life
not to mention that I am actually missing him
and all I want to do is be even less of myself by the time he gets back from his business trip.
I am not even hungry
and I have found that when i am not feeeling quite myself
i eat less

My mother went on a little holiday today, and the last thing she said to me was
"please eat".
That broke my heart.
Because I barely have
not because I want to, but because I just cant.

I can't justify why I am this way
Why I want to be non existant and thin
sometimes i suppose the better half of my mentality kicks in
and I want to get better
be able to eat like "normal" people do
Yet at the same time, i find myself comparing myself to every single person that passes me.
Am I thinner than  her?
Are her thighs thinner than mine?
How will i restrict to be able to achieve this?

and the fact that he is away.
I found that I just am not hungry
I am not craving anything at the moment
I just want to be empty
And i know this is continuing my sad pathetic cynical view.
But fuck it

I want to, but I cant
I just want to be the sickliest
the most skeletal
and that is somehow not right....
I don't crave death.
I just can't stop the screaming for perfection.
And I know that can never be achieved, by me at least