Silence

Im sorry I have been so quiet lately. This little while has been, strange.
So we finally had our "talk" on friday. I told Him that i dont want to get back together with Him, because I dont know Him anymore, He is a child and He is cowardly. He then asked if we could ever be friends and I said no, I can never be friends with you, I dont want to see you, or hear from you or have you in any part of my life.
It hurt but it had to be done.
I'm keeping up appearances pretty well I think.
I didn't cry, I was probably a little more harsh and cold than I should have been. But that's kind of how I saw it going down. and He deserved every word I said.

Yesterday I went to dinner with my best male friend. silly naive me thought that he was trying to make me feel better. forget things for a little while. No. There are always other motives when it concerns the male gender.
He kissed me. And it was horrible.
Firstly because it was just an awful kiss, like a washing machine and a vacuum cleaner hybrid. I ave no feelings towards this friend and he knew that. and he knows how messed up i am about the break up.
I mean 4 years, an engagement, and then he tries his luck. they are all the same.
Then I was overwhelmed by how much I actually miss Him, miss kissing Him.
Our bodies just worked so well together. We were so in tune.
 I told this friend that I cant see him anymore and maybe we should stop spending time together, because I have no intention of kissing him, or dating him, or leading him on.
And I just got a text from him.

Another thing that has been eating at my conscience lately is my mother. I know she is so worried about me but I don't know what to do. When I see her, she makes comments about my weight, but she also defends it in her mind with things like work, and the break up. And I heard her defending my honor to a family member the other day when they commented on my weight. I don't want to make her worry, I love her so dearly and I know she knows I have a problem but we have never really spoken about it. I know she also has a problem but it has not developed to my level yet, and I sometimes worry that I maybe influenced that. When I visit, or am with her I try to eat as normally as possible. I will organize my entire day around it so that I can have a full meal so that she will not worry. Yet at the same time, I am screaming inside with every bite that is going into my mouth. It is exhausting.

I feel sick and tired and empty.
I know I will go on but it is like a little hole has been left, and nothing is filling it.
And noone is giving me the time to just process. Everyday has to have some menial activity because everyone has this fear that I am going to have some sort of a breakdown. If this constant flow of people doesnt stop soon, then i fear I might.

I still haven' t had a good cry.

I just wanted to thank all of you for the support through this time, and for reading the manic rants. You guys really make it a little easier and I cannot think of a day without this support system.
So thank you, eternally

xxx