Such Is

I lack the energy to even type this properly
Lately I lack any sorts of energy at all
I am so apathetic to all and everything

And I feel like I just cant go on anymore

I feel like I have gained some enormous amount of weight
But i just cant tell anymore
I cant see what I look like
Because what I see is just huge
When I feel bone
Its not bone enough
When I feel colorbone
Its not colorbone enough
i obsess because its the only thing left to obsess about
the only thing left consuming me

I know I am bloated because Im due for that time of month
and I am so massive
It is making me crazy
In the last two days I have eaten a slice of bread
and purged for the last week

I dont even know why i purge
I know its just water
I know the harm I am doing

I know that it will make me feel terrible for the rest of the day
but i cant stop
I just want to feel empty
I want to disappear
i dont want to do this anymore
I cant do this anymore

I just dont have the energy...

I cant remember the last time i got excited about anything...
had a good laugh
a good smile
i am so numb to everything around me

I have created such a false persona that I cant even tell what is real or not anymore.

fuck

I can't...
I don't want to

I Am

I am a little speck on the outskirts of the world
I am a freckle on a giant
I am Mary's unwavering desire to die

I am self indulgent, paranoid and narcissistic.
and crazy
and scared

I have no desire to improve or better myself
I am stuck in a timeless loop
I am grey
Drizzled in dull.

I am sick
in body and mind
and there is no cure for my particular breed of insane.

I am a freckle on a giant
drowning my sorrows
In addictions
and failure

I cannot be saved
or improved
or bettered

stuck in this void
I am desolate
left with empty words on a flickering screen

I am a grain of sand within the desert
I am not special or particular
another case
and I still can't cure

I See You

I Ballooned.
Like an expanding balloon of disgusting
i dont know how
well i do
a few days of non stop binging
disgusting stupid me
but now iv gained control again
I have gained the fast and the need.

I was contemplating my sick mind earlier, looking at photos of people I used to know
went to school with, college with, worked with
people I used to idolize for having the protruding bones that i craved
or the jaw line i desired
I see them now
No neck
No colar
oozing out of their skinny jeans
It is so sick and so awful, but they serve as my inspiration
my thinspo if you will

knowing i am losing while they are all gaining
gives me some empty pleasure only you, my pretties, can understand.
I have tried finding some healthy happy medium,
but it seems i am incapable of some healthy relationship with food and hunger

the worst part is.
the obsession
the fact that it occupies my entire day.
so to counteract the insane voice that screams unto me all day
My drinking, fucking and smoking has escalated.
but even that does not numb it anymore.
and that frightens me.
because I know myself
and i have been down that road

and i am not sure i am strong enough to stop myself from going down there again

Old Hallow's

And Boy am I starting to feel it
We went to a crazy Halloween party on the weekend,
Like all things we do, our outfits were most outrageous
But it was fun all the same

I am feeling so run down at the moment.
So tired, and stressed and depressed I suppose
Sunday night I went to my mothers for "dinner"
Which usually means intervention time
something that I have done wrong somewhere along the line
I was sitting in my old room, rummaging through some things,
She storms into my room, making me feel about 8 again
"have you been throwing up?" Is what she said
No
don't lie to me
I'm really not
It smells so bad in there
I don't live here mother and I haven't been throwing up.
It rots your teeth you know.
Maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself and your own problems and issues and deal with them before vicariously lecturing me. and don't make false accusations.

and thats about the time I told her to leave my "sacred" space
I felt so sick I actually haden't been throwing up
But i sure as hell felt like it now.

She came to me a little while later...
I'm sorry if I wrongly accused you dear, but I worry. You are so thin
I'm not mother, I have gained weight.
No you haven't you are just disappearing.
Mother
There are "healthy" ways. they will make you maintain your weight, and eat proper meals.
I eat just fine. you have nothing to worry about.
I can get someone for you speak to
No thank you...

because that worked SO well last time.

Im sorry this post seems a little manic and insane.
but that conversation has been looping in my mind since sunday,
i had to channel it somehow
Its really bothered me
Not just the fact that my mother is on my case again, but the fact that I was so terrible about her own Issues. But I was just so angry. as someone with a problem, she should understand that it is not something one can just will away.
Or maybe she really just doesnt get that.
Maybe she really is just clueless.

But why doesnt my dad do anything
say anything
I know they dont have the ideal marriage,
But how can he just sit back and watch her do this
I know the complete hippocracy of that entire statement ,
But its my mom.

and to top off all things that are fucked up in the world at the moment
I think he might have told me he loved me at the party on the weekend,
But it was loud, and im not sure i heard him right
But i saw his lips moved, and thats what they said
I just pretended I heard nothing
And it was very awkward for a little while
But why would it be awkward?
I didnt hear anything.

God, and last week i was doing so well.

Nostalgia

I just Bumped into one of my old lecturers from University
It was surreal,
I suppose I have been thinking about the experience for quite some time now.
She was a mentor to me
A mother and a friend
I loved and Hated her.
I thought we got along quite well.
She is the reason I stayed and the reason I nearly left.

I only have fond memories of her, even the bad ones are fond in hind sight.
Then I walk into a coffee shop, one i go to quite often,
One i have seen her in before.
and she doesn't greet me.
So my bruised ego blatently walks up to her
and say hello
all she says is
"goodness gracious, it's you''
I felt my heart fall through the floor.
I just went back to my table
carried on reading my book
Pretended like she wasnt there.

The worst thing is, that I have a friend
Who tells me how she always goes out of her way to talk to him
when ever they meet
I suppose I am a little jealous
He was always the prodigy...

Oh its so stupid i know
It is just becuase I put it on such a high pedestal

I just wish i didnt feel this stupid, this let down.
It just solidifies what a waste of time university was for me.
even my mentor is a ghost.

Lost down the Rabbit Hole

Oh my darlings.
I am so sorry I have been so quiet. everything has been so crazy lately.
I have had so many lovely and terrible experiences
I am in a new job, and a new home.
They are both wonderful.
Much better for my soul
My new house is beautiful.
Old and creaky, it leaks when it rains.
and has a beautiful window looking out to the ocean.
I feel like I can breathe

Except I have gained. From the stress, the partying.
The excuses.
4lbs.
But it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
I went roadtripping with my lover on a little holiday a while ago.
Just the two of us
Hours driving, taking in the sun, smoking cigarettes, feeding mice
It was romantic in the sense that it is everything a roadtrip should ever be

It basically sealed my feelings for him.
That he betters me as a person.
he makes me feel stronger, like i want to strive for more.
Be beautiful because he makes me feel beautiful.
But I want to be better...
I dont want to be sick anymore...
Maybe thats the reason that I have gained.
But I have no idea of how to do it in a healthy way...
I binge Because I feel the need to get better,
Then I purge and fast because I feel guilty and awful in myself
It is a constant struggle
and he is picking up on it
even though i try and be normal around him..
I try and eat
I try and do normal things
I dont want to be fucked up anymore.

He makes me happy and I want to embrace that.
I feel like I am myself for the first time in years.
I lost my essence for a very very long time
I let people walk all over me and kill my spirit
I lost my love for life and the world
but I feel like It is coming back now
Slowly.

Insanity

And today started out so well....
I woke up in a fantastic mood, all ready to see my man
only to have him tell me that he needs to cancel because of work.
Its stupid, but something inside me snapped.
Today of all days I just needed to see him, have some sense of normality and reality.

Ok now for my psychoticness.. I have these anxiety attacks
well im not even sure if they are even anxiety attacks
But it starts with pins and needles, then leads to a sense of numb
that consumes my entire body
and im left there feeling terrified
and everything moves in fast forward
every sound and movement is amplified
screams and roars echo in my head.
its too awful to explain.

This has been happening since I can fist recall at about age 5.
and it happened the other night when I was baked
But at a even larger level.
It was like i was completely sucked out of reality.
everything was just looping in a sequence, nothing made sense.
It was like I was stuck in some infinite time loop.
it was the worst 5 hours of my life.

And then again last night
I am losing my mind
I have spent the last 5 hours cleaning my house, while drinking and smoking
and trying to be sane
I dont think it is working
i am losing my mind
the only thing that numbs it is alcohol
and my dependence is frightening.
Fuck