Sunday, 2 June 2013

Smokey Sundays

I finally got Internet again
So now I don't feel completely disconnected from the world anymore.
I will try and be more active,
and keep in touch

Much has happened in my absence my dears...
I don't even know where to start.
On the note of my man, he got the job.
and he also asked me to go with him.
which is a huge decision.
I said yes.
But he turned the job down.
It wasn't what he was looking for.
I wont lie, I am a little relieved,
It would have been stressful,
trying to get my affairs in order in less than a month.
But we are making big plans to move next year
its exciting.

I just want to get out of this godforsaken little town.
I feel suffocated
Even though I just found a great job
which i love
with people that actually treat me like a human being
the only downside
the pay is shit.

So I am cutting down on everything,
I haven't really let on to everyone how much I am actually struggling financially.
being out of work for a month didnt really help much.
My savings dried up.
what they don't realise is that one night out.
is 4 days without groceries.
but I am powering on, I am not dead yet
and I still have my cigarettes.

My housemate is really getting under my skin lately
I  feel that I complain about her a lot to my man,
but I think that might be to mask the things that are
really bothering me
like the finances
the house
and the fact that my mother is slowly killing herself.

And no body will say a god damn thing.

she was rushed into hospital the other day with "stomach cramps"
my father worried it was something ovary related,
I knew better.
I know she probably ruptured something from taking laxatives
every single day.
I can watch her struggle when I am in the same situation.
Trying to get better.
I cant watch her kill herself
maybe it is selfish of me.
but she is acting like a child,
using me as her inspiration,
reprimanding me when I lose weight,
yet when I see her the next time,
she too has lost.

I am not a role model
I am ill.

I am overwhelmed with guilt because I feel like I have made her this way
living like this my whole life,
like it has somehow rubbed off on her.

and she sulks.
and abuses pills

I had a dream the other night that she was over dosing on pills,
foaming at the mouth, eating cotton buds,
and all I could do was hold her and try and make her sick
screaming at her
yelling at her to stop
It was like when she was drinking.
Maybe thats why this hurts so much.

god only knows how well that turned out.

I tried to speak to my sister about it
She told me i was being paranoid and to leave it
She has always turned a blind eye to the
problems in our family.

I tried speaking to my friend about my concerns
and she changed the topic to how her
boyfriend recently gave her a foot rub

I guess everyone has different priorities.

I just need to get out of this town before i go insane.
If I wanted to be a mother,
I would have my own children,
I have taken the burden of this family
on my shoulders for too long

the best part is...
I know I say it,
But it wont stop
and I'll be the one left picking up the pieces

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