Glasses and Cigarettes

I feel as if i am on yet another self destructive path.
I have spent the last week or so chasing highs.
Maybe its not self destructive and i just need to accept it as some fatal flaw of my personality.
But I just want to be numb.
I know I drink too much, smoke to much.
I am perpetually inebriated, or not.
maybe that is the problem.

This weekend we had a small get together with a few friends,
I polished off two bottles of wine,
barely felt fuzzy, and then proceeded to chase different forms of inebriation.
Which just left me feeling ill, and even worse in the morning.

I am at a time in my life where things are fairly uncomplicated,
I am happy, as happy as i am capable of being.
yet i still feel dark, and grey, and smothered.

My weight is some unfathomable number of height.
I am not even going to disclose the number,
It is too high
and too disgusting.
I just want to tear the flesh from my body,
store it some jar on the other side of the planet
and never have to look at myself again.
It is a constant anxiety that just presses down on every aspect
It is ruining all sense of reality.

I want to feel empty.
and full.
conflicts that i am just losing the will to fight anymore...

Sometimes, but not really

I am partaking in piggy's challenge, and I have gone down 1lb.
1 measly lb.
I suppose that it is better than a gain
and I did fast for 2 days...
and then binged yesterday
and then purged
followed by some more purging,,,,

So it has been an exciting week
I want to have one day, when I don't obsess over food, weight... everything
I want just one day where I can eat what ever I want.
and there will be no consequences, and I will not be overwhelmed with this darkened sense of guilt.
Just one day.
But that is all fairy tales and love stories. they don't exist
except inside the minds of romantics.

Shit is getting serious with this boyfriend and I.
I am afraid of what I feel for him, or even worse, what I think he feels for me.
I love and indulge in every second i spend with him.
and I miss him when he is not around...
and that terrifies me and angers me and makes me happy all at the same time.
I still shiver when he takes my hand, or kisses me,
and feel nauseous when he tells me im beautiful.
I know I am not, but I like that he thinks so.
I think that he adds to me, stimulates me in many ways
He is constantly trying to make the world a more beautiful place.
And what more could one really ask for?

A letter to my soul

This is a lonely disease
A lonely disorder
A Fuckup of a mess.
It is funny how there is always one person that just keeps pushing you on.
Something to live for.
When that disappears
The Heavens cave in
tumble down.
Drum rolls and crashing thunder.
It feels as though life is moving on around my little insignificant world.

I think that my best friend has finally stopped giving a fuck about me.
Curtains closed
The last sad little monologue.
She is my life. My love. My sister. My soul-mate.
We have been through everything together.
She has wiped my tears,
filled my wine glass
Put up with the endless insanity.
Until now that is.
people grow older, this i understand
It is a beautiful thing
It is life
I think That I am getting all the more fantastic with age
I embrace it, when i was younger, it used to terrify me.
It is the situations i detest
Stress. Loss. Marriage.
Her and her other half are talking about the big M.
and im utterly thrilled for her,
But it is like she is trying to start a clean slate,
Starting with this blackened spot.

We had this tradition
Once a week, meet up for a glass, or ten, of wine
And catch up,
No matter how hectic our schedule, or lives
We would make time out for each other.
I guess tradition is lost,
and I am the only sad fuck left behind trying to be sentimental.

I feel like kicking and screaming like a child,
begging for some ounce of forgiveness for a crime i am not even sure i have committed.
This hurts more than any breakup ever has.

I want her to still need me in her life.
I want to be 16, fuck even 18, pissed out of brains in her bedroom,
talking about the amazing things we are going to do with our lives.
How we are going to live in NY and live in a shabby apartment,
living off tinned spaghetti and cigarettes.
finding ourselves in tears over some love lost that we will "never have back"

It is so selfish.
But fuck
I am a god damn selfish person

Blissful

I cannot stop smiling.
I feel awful, hungover, and caked in morning makeup.
But I cannot get this god damn smile off of my face.
I feel like a free spirited teenager again.

So I spent the whole weekend binge drinking and smoking WAY too  much.
Parties, friends, and a shit ton of wine.
Last night we went to a club to watch some bands play.
I wore this little black dress that I promised myself I wouldn't even dare put on until I hit my goal weight.
I have had this dress for years, It is the iconical Black Dress. Tight, stunning, probably too short.
I put it on last night, paired it with tights, my favorite boots.
The dress hung loosely off of me.
It was a great start to the evening.

I'm not sure what came over me last night. But I just became social butterfly again.
I flirted, danced, drank.
Nothing existed
It was great.
Apparently I had hordes of males following me around the entire night.
It's terrible, but I did enjoy the attention.
It doesn't happen often
So I milked it.
That and the guitarist from the one band started chatting me up.
I may be a flirt, but I am very loyal
The mister did not enjoy the attention I was getting
And I loved that even more.

He made some snide remark about the men flirting with me.
I just laughed and teased him about it.
But then I realized that it really did bother him.
When we got back to my place,
we chatted about it, and he said that he is not generally a jealous person, so he can't understand why he got so jealous
and he doesn't want to be one of those guys.
I get where he is coming from.
I used to be terribly jealous, but as I got older, I learned to  take it as a compliment from my side.
if all those girls are flirting with the man I am with, then its a compliment, because I am the one they want to be with.
I find it flattering.
But he said to me that it bothers him, because he wants the whole world to know that I am his girlfriend, but then all of these random men show up, and don't know, and that's what gets to him.
Then he asked me if it would be alright if he could call me his girlfriend.
So I asked him if this was him officially asking me out.
and he said, "well, yeah"
he told me that he really likes me,
he even spoke of our relationship in the long term,
as in years
and I realized that It really didn't bother me.
I am not afraid of this anymore.
I want to be with him
I like him.
It may even grow into something more.
I just love the fact that he cares so much, that he actually feels threatened.

He is like my alter ego.
A male version of me.
We work really well.

sorry about the exhaustively long post.
I suppose I just needed to release some of the elation

xxx

1000 Cigarettes

I have been good
As good as I could have been in the last 3 days.
The last 2 days my calorie intake has not been higher than 500.
Today It was 255.
I have been exercising again, possibly a bit manically.
But its working.
I am starting a fast on friday, through to wednesday.
Hopefully that will go well.
I want to be 96 by next saturday.
I have a party that I am going to.
and He is going to be there.
I want to be as light as a feather.
I want Him to stare, to know.
He always hated this part of me.
And I tried to recover for Him.
Fuck that.

It is so juvenile.
But in my head it all makes perfect sense.
I am not sure what to think anymore though.
My scale tells me a certain number,
And my clothes say something else.
I am sure that everything is stretching
In all the wrong places.

I am so frustrated.
But I have managed to control my binging.
And up my smoking.
Every time I feel a binge coming on, I take a breath.
Drink a glass of water
And have a smoke.
It seems to be working quite adequately.

Tomorrow my goal for calorie intake is 200.
A handful of cereal and yogurt.
I know I can do it.
I WILL do it.
My will power has returned with a frightening force.

Hope you are all well my lovelies

xxx

Another attempt

I'm sorry about the crazy over emotional post yesterday.
I shouldn't type when I feel that rubbish.
I feel a little bit better today, only slightly though.

Things have been really tough at the moment.
I have finally recovered from my stupid sickness, which kept me in bed for about a week.
Lying in bed drives me insane.
I couldn't even drink, and I think that was probably the worst,
Silly habits.
My colleagues at work have started harassing me about my eating, or lack thereof.
There is only so much smiling and stupid jokes you can make before you feel your will and sanity slipping.
And between my mother, my boss, and my man's mother commenting on everything that I do...
I just don't know anymore.
And the snide remarks from my friends.

I had a terrible binge last week. I ate everything in sight.
I don't know if its the cold, or my shit self esteem.
But i just couldn't stop myself.

And then came the purge...
I am a little surprised, a little relived, that I didn't OD on laxatives.
I know. Its so stupid.
And I haven't done it in so long,
but I just needed to rid my body of everything,

And now its fast time.
Nothing, except cigarettes and alcohol, will enter this body until Monday.
And then it will be alright...
I hope...

Uninvited

I am a bleak force running through the universe.
There is not much to say.
I feel terrible.
Gigantic and awful.
I want to sleep for weeks and not wake.
I just wan to not exist right now