Glasses and Cigarettes

I feel as if i am on yet another self destructive path.
I have spent the last week or so chasing highs.
Maybe its not self destructive and i just need to accept it as some fatal flaw of my personality.
But I just want to be numb.
I know I drink too much, smoke to much.
I am perpetually inebriated, or not.
maybe that is the problem.

This weekend we had a small get together with a few friends,
I polished off two bottles of wine,
barely felt fuzzy, and then proceeded to chase different forms of inebriation.
Which just left me feeling ill, and even worse in the morning.

I am at a time in my life where things are fairly uncomplicated,
I am happy, as happy as i am capable of being.
yet i still feel dark, and grey, and smothered.

My weight is some unfathomable number of height.
I am not even going to disclose the number,
It is too high
and too disgusting.
I just want to tear the flesh from my body,
store it some jar on the other side of the planet
and never have to look at myself again.
It is a constant anxiety that just presses down on every aspect
It is ruining all sense of reality.

I want to feel empty.
and full.
conflicts that i am just losing the will to fight anymore...