Weekend Blues

Last week was awful
I purged until there was nothing left in me.
on the bright side,
I got my weight down, but for how long?
and I know its probably just water.

I was sitting and contemplating the other day
about eating disorders and everything fucked up i suppose.
I remember my mum once telling me when I was 13 that anorexia is addictive.
My mum is addicted to laxatives,
Im not sure if she knows that I know.
But I know the signs
And I mean christ, I have been living with this long enough to tell.
That and I have probably nicked numerous ones on many a visit.
She has only had this problem for about a year now.
visibly anyway
and that got me thinking,
was it my fault that she is now like this.
Did she "catch" my disease?
If I was slightly more sane and well would she be like this?
I don't want anyone to suffer the way that I do
especially not my own mother...

I spent the whole weekend with him.
And it was amazing
i love how his fingers are stained because he smokes too much,
and that he tries to numb himself with alcohol
and that i never have to feel like I am an actual alcoholic when i am around him.
I watched him get rather inebriated this weekend.
and its lovely.
Because when he drinks, he is curious and honest.
Except when he asks me
what the deal is with how i see myself...
he said that its really none of his business and if i never tell him that is fine
but i know he knows.
Im not sure if he know the extent or severity
but he knows
and that made me want to confess
and plead
and cry
but instead i just laighed, brushed it off,
lied as we are so goddamn good at
and moved on.
I dont want him to know just how fucked up I am
That I am haunted every day
he doesnt deserve to be dragged into this dark pit.
whats the point anyway
It is not like he can "save" me or help me in any regard
all he can then do is judge me and pity me
and that is the very last thing that i want