A letter to my soul

This is a lonely disease
A lonely disorder
A Fuckup of a mess.
It is funny how there is always one person that just keeps pushing you on.
Something to live for.
When that disappears
The Heavens cave in
tumble down.
Drum rolls and crashing thunder.
It feels as though life is moving on around my little insignificant world.

I think that my best friend has finally stopped giving a fuck about me.
Curtains closed
The last sad little monologue.
She is my life. My love. My sister. My soul-mate.
We have been through everything together.
She has wiped my tears,
filled my wine glass
Put up with the endless insanity.
Until now that is.
people grow older, this i understand
It is a beautiful thing
It is life
I think That I am getting all the more fantastic with age
I embrace it, when i was younger, it used to terrify me.
It is the situations i detest
Stress. Loss. Marriage.
Her and her other half are talking about the big M.
and im utterly thrilled for her,
But it is like she is trying to start a clean slate,
Starting with this blackened spot.

We had this tradition
Once a week, meet up for a glass, or ten, of wine
And catch up,
No matter how hectic our schedule, or lives
We would make time out for each other.
I guess tradition is lost,
and I am the only sad fuck left behind trying to be sentimental.

I feel like kicking and screaming like a child,
begging for some ounce of forgiveness for a crime i am not even sure i have committed.
This hurts more than any breakup ever has.

I want her to still need me in her life.
I want to be 16, fuck even 18, pissed out of brains in her bedroom,
talking about the amazing things we are going to do with our lives.
How we are going to live in NY and live in a shabby apartment,
living off tinned spaghetti and cigarettes.
finding ourselves in tears over some love lost that we will "never have back"

It is so selfish.
But fuck
I am a god damn selfish person