1000 Cigarettes

I have been good
As good as I could have been in the last 3 days.
The last 2 days my calorie intake has not been higher than 500.
Today It was 255.
I have been exercising again, possibly a bit manically.
But its working.
I am starting a fast on friday, through to wednesday.
Hopefully that will go well.
I want to be 96 by next saturday.
I have a party that I am going to.
and He is going to be there.
I want to be as light as a feather.
I want Him to stare, to know.
He always hated this part of me.
And I tried to recover for Him.
Fuck that.

It is so juvenile.
But in my head it all makes perfect sense.
I am not sure what to think anymore though.
My scale tells me a certain number,
And my clothes say something else.
I am sure that everything is stretching
In all the wrong places.

I am so frustrated.
But I have managed to control my binging.
And up my smoking.
Every time I feel a binge coming on, I take a breath.
Drink a glass of water
And have a smoke.
It seems to be working quite adequately.

Tomorrow my goal for calorie intake is 200.
A handful of cereal and yogurt.
I know I can do it.
I WILL do it.
My will power has returned with a frightening force.

Hope you are all well my lovelies

xxx