Better Days

First of all, I just wanted to thank Gabrielle for your endless words of support and wisdom.
I know you are always there.
And I just wanted to say thank you


So I have managed to pull myself together again
Well if by mean pull myself together, by my stupid methods. then yeah.
But anyway. I did a juice, water, fruit fast for about 2 days and one complete fasting day
- which ended in a booze binge
which you can only imagine the level of drunk that I hit.
after two drinks
and i know how to hold my liquor


but I have managed to get myself back down to 99.
and I feel slightly less bloated and disgusting.
and the hunger pangs are back (which i love in a sick twisted kind of way)


So i feel more hopeful than I have in a while.
Tomorrow is my friends birthday,
and as is tradition we are doing cake and tea.
I have been up all night baking cupcakes and cakes and all sorts of things
and tomorrow I will try and resist, only have one at the most.


This weekend I also plan to fast, and see how that goes. just give my body a little bit of a reboot
but let us see if i can resist the alcohol.


xxx

The Edge

Sometimes it is difficult to try and justify an insane mind or at least an insane state of mind.
I think I am losing grip. I am so depressed and lethargic that I feel like i can barely function anymore.
Last night was a clear indicator for me.
I had many people who asked me to join them in their friday night festivities,
but i declined. using terrible, unrealistic excuses.
my friend went away this weekend,
I was supposed to go with, but I was working so i had to say no last minute.
We chatted just before he left, speaking about what he will get up to, and my giant plans.
"oh I am joining a friend for supper on friday (drinking too much and ending in a puddle of tears) and Saturday I'm going to the clubs (repeat of friday)."
pathetic.
Last night I polished off two bottles of wine.
lay in the bath for three hours, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes.
and proceeded to sob uncontrollably until i managed to drunkenly stumble to the couch and pass out.

Today I fainted when I arrived at work, possibly from not eating anything in a day and a half and then consuming two bottles of wine. and then had to put up with my colleagues chatting about my ex all day.

I went bat-shit crazy at one of my colleagues the other day, for telling me that I am not over Him and that we will probably end up back together and have little children together. then, in jest, she called him my "boyfriend" and i lost it. like a child.
I felt terrible straight away and tried to justify my reactions.
But it will never erase the things I said and the way I said it.

Then to put the cheery on the cake, it has been PMS week.
and my uterus had decided that it wanted to consume EVERYTHING in sight.
and i gained about 10lbs.
I wanted to die

I have managed to shave off about 8 of them, but i still feel bloated and terrible.

and we had "the talk".
apparently I had been ignoring him or something to that extent, i actually thought i was being rather clingy.
strange how we perceive it.
and then we had to sit down and discuss what this fucked up situation really is.
something i have been avoiding for so long.
he told me that he didnt want to be lead on and he would understand if i was not ready to delve myself into something right not.
i am not really sure if I am, I dont know if I want to invest myself in someone so easily and freely again.
or so soon anyway.
I liked to free spiritedness of it all.
But I guess he did not like the fuck buddy idea.
I did tell him that if i have been acting strange then it is because i realized that I have developed slight feelings for my fuck biddy and that complicates things.
He wants to see where things can go.
So we both agreed. I suppose, to date?

but then he tells me, about two days after this lovely awkward discussion,
that he plans on moving abroad next year.
lovely.
something i would never hold him back from and I am thrilled for him having the opportunity.
but it seems like every specimen of the male gender i get myself involved with, plans to move away.
I suppose that it was kind to let me know in the early stages so that I cannot let things get serious.
but it is all very frustrating.
now I feel that i am even more reserved and closed up than i was before
something that bothers the crap out of him.
that's just how i am darling.
closed up and complicated.
you chose this.

sigh. now that I feel like i am on the verge of frustrated tears all over again
because I am in control of nothing in my life
not even my weight
I am going to delve into my wine
and smoke my cigarettes
and maybe munch on an apple.
sob

love to all you lovelies
xx

Apologies

So I had somehow managed to make my blog very private for a few days.
I am not sure how i achieved that.
I am terribly sorry.
for all those who care to peek occasionally.

This weekend was abortionate
I am not sure what came over me,
but I think I ate everything in sight, almost 24/7.
It was frightening.

But I grabbed a hold of myself today.
Started running again,
ate fruits and drank water the entire day.
i think it is a good start back on track

My new GW is 95.

95 is a nice solid number.

Today Is The Greatest. Apparently

I have put on 2 lbs.
I seem to have plateaued at 98.

98lbs of disgusting.

I have been eating more.
but I also have been exercising.
I try to eat at least two meals a day.
Even if one of them is just a fruit.
It is more than I was doing before.
I only eat when I am in front of people,
I think that may be my demise,
I never eat when I am alone.
If I spend the weekend by myself, then it is a weekend of fast.
well if a fast contains wine and cigarettes.

The worst part is, I can barely find clothes that will fit me,
yet I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I just see bulges and pathetic rolls of nonsense.
It is sickening.
It is madness

98 lbs of insanity.
and painted smiles
and cracked make up.
and smoke stained fingers

I am so tired.

and so bleak.

God help me, because surely there is no hope for a mind like this one.
Yet next week I will be fine.

Once I ride the wave.

I really hope so.

Shit

He asked me to move in with in.
I think shit just got serious.
In the words of the great piglet
"oh f-f-f-f-uck."

Long Days

I am tired of working 7 days a week.
I am tired of feeling ill all of the time and constantly fighting off infection and illness,
and not having the cash for a medical plan, or just the doctor's office in general.
Or a pack of fucking cigarettes.
I am tired of politely smiling at people when i refuse food when they ask me why i do not eat
or if I am on some diet.
I am not on a diet
This is how I am,
Always was
Always will be
I am tired of looking at food like some some kind of deathly parasite that will feed off of this host.

It is a love hate relationship
We live, we learn

I put on 4lbs.
I wanted to cry, beat the ground
tear down the walls

I lost them after I did nothing but drink, smoke and get high this weekend.
No parasite for me.

Not even the munchies.

It has been years since I touched the stuff, He never approved, I never argued.
I suppose it is some childish little group activity that happens at social gatherings.
I thought maybe I had outgrown it.

This time I just caved.
And god did it take the edge off.
Every thought just stopped, and all I could do was smell, feel and listen.
Blissful.

And my "friend" was lovely. He made A huge effort to get to our gathering that night,
so that he could see me, and then passed no judgement on my state of oozing into the fire and sand
and floor and sky.
He merely kept me warm, and appealed to every part of my heightened sense of touch,
in the most sensitive way.

He told me that I look starved in a good way.
That he loves my ribs and hips.
He is all about strange and distortion
and then normality,
music in the park.
He once questioned the small amount I eat.
I said I have a small stomach
He never brought it up again.
Perfect, Blissful

93...

An Idiot

I don't know what I am doing, getting myself into.
I have been spending quite a lot f time with this "friend" of late.
We are constantly out drinking, being sociable, the lot.
Always landing up at his place, or mine. slightly tipsy.. and then well. need i be too descriptive.
but lately its different. I just want a physical, No nonsense, friends with benefits situation.
Lately I have found myself spending time with him on a more, say, intimate level.
not in a sexual sense, it is more a dinner and a movie strain of events.
I am the twisted sort of person who finds hand holding more intimate than a fuck.
We have managed to somehow avoid anything date-like, always including a person or two.
So that it is not "that" level of relationship.
Until today that is. And I think it happened by complete fluke,
We were out, he was hungry.
We got some lunch on a little Street Cafe.
Or am i just completely over reacting?

Last night I may have freaked out a little.
I may have finally realized that I am developing feelings towards this idiot
and that is beyond terrifying.
I do not want another relationship.
I was lying watching a movie as he was snoozing beside me.
Then I turned to him to give him a cuddle before i had a smoke,
Then he mumbled to me, "That's much better, Now this is home".
while squeezing me.
I think I went ice cold.
I fell asleep beside him, woke up at about 1 am, and then scrambled home,
because I was terrified.
I needed fresh air, and to clear my head.

After our lunch situation today, we went and saw a movie at the cinema,
with another "buffer" friend of course.
but mid-movie he placed his hand on my leg and his head on my shoulder.
I think I may have froze up again,
i felt like a 16 year girl, on her first date.
I could not concentrate on the movie.
Or think.
Or breathe.
Then as We parted ways, He gave me a kiss goodbye,
right there, out in the open,
something he has never done before.
I am not sure how to deal with this.
But I really do not want to have " that talk " again.
Things are getting complicated enough as it is.

oh fuck.
What am i getting myself into??