The Edge

Sometimes it is difficult to try and justify an insane mind or at least an insane state of mind.
I think I am losing grip. I am so depressed and lethargic that I feel like i can barely function anymore.
Last night was a clear indicator for me.
I had many people who asked me to join them in their friday night festivities,
but i declined. using terrible, unrealistic excuses.
my friend went away this weekend,
I was supposed to go with, but I was working so i had to say no last minute.
We chatted just before he left, speaking about what he will get up to, and my giant plans.
"oh I am joining a friend for supper on friday (drinking too much and ending in a puddle of tears) and Saturday I'm going to the clubs (repeat of friday)."
pathetic.
Last night I polished off two bottles of wine.
lay in the bath for three hours, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes.
and proceeded to sob uncontrollably until i managed to drunkenly stumble to the couch and pass out.

Today I fainted when I arrived at work, possibly from not eating anything in a day and a half and then consuming two bottles of wine. and then had to put up with my colleagues chatting about my ex all day.

I went bat-shit crazy at one of my colleagues the other day, for telling me that I am not over Him and that we will probably end up back together and have little children together. then, in jest, she called him my "boyfriend" and i lost it. like a child.
I felt terrible straight away and tried to justify my reactions.
But it will never erase the things I said and the way I said it.

Then to put the cheery on the cake, it has been PMS week.
and my uterus had decided that it wanted to consume EVERYTHING in sight.
and i gained about 10lbs.
I wanted to die

I have managed to shave off about 8 of them, but i still feel bloated and terrible.

and we had "the talk".
apparently I had been ignoring him or something to that extent, i actually thought i was being rather clingy.
strange how we perceive it.
and then we had to sit down and discuss what this fucked up situation really is.
something i have been avoiding for so long.
he told me that he didnt want to be lead on and he would understand if i was not ready to delve myself into something right not.
i am not really sure if I am, I dont know if I want to invest myself in someone so easily and freely again.
or so soon anyway.
I liked to free spiritedness of it all.
But I guess he did not like the fuck buddy idea.
I did tell him that if i have been acting strange then it is because i realized that I have developed slight feelings for my fuck biddy and that complicates things.
He wants to see where things can go.
So we both agreed. I suppose, to date?

but then he tells me, about two days after this lovely awkward discussion,
that he plans on moving abroad next year.
lovely.
something i would never hold him back from and I am thrilled for him having the opportunity.
but it seems like every specimen of the male gender i get myself involved with, plans to move away.
I suppose that it was kind to let me know in the early stages so that I cannot let things get serious.
but it is all very frustrating.
now I feel that i am even more reserved and closed up than i was before
something that bothers the crap out of him.
that's just how i am darling.
closed up and complicated.
you chose this.

sigh. now that I feel like i am on the verge of frustrated tears all over again
because I am in control of nothing in my life
not even my weight
I am going to delve into my wine
and smoke my cigarettes
and maybe munch on an apple.
sob

love to all you lovelies
xx