An Idiot

I don't know what I am doing, getting myself into.
I have been spending quite a lot f time with this "friend" of late.
We are constantly out drinking, being sociable, the lot.
Always landing up at his place, or mine. slightly tipsy.. and then well. need i be too descriptive.
but lately its different. I just want a physical, No nonsense, friends with benefits situation.
Lately I have found myself spending time with him on a more, say, intimate level.
not in a sexual sense, it is more a dinner and a movie strain of events.
I am the twisted sort of person who finds hand holding more intimate than a fuck.
We have managed to somehow avoid anything date-like, always including a person or two.
So that it is not "that" level of relationship.
Until today that is. And I think it happened by complete fluke,
We were out, he was hungry.
We got some lunch on a little Street Cafe.
Or am i just completely over reacting?

Last night I may have freaked out a little.
I may have finally realized that I am developing feelings towards this idiot
and that is beyond terrifying.
I do not want another relationship.
I was lying watching a movie as he was snoozing beside me.
Then I turned to him to give him a cuddle before i had a smoke,
Then he mumbled to me, "That's much better, Now this is home".
while squeezing me.
I think I went ice cold.
I fell asleep beside him, woke up at about 1 am, and then scrambled home,
because I was terrified.
I needed fresh air, and to clear my head.

After our lunch situation today, we went and saw a movie at the cinema,
with another "buffer" friend of course.
but mid-movie he placed his hand on my leg and his head on my shoulder.
I think I may have froze up again,
i felt like a 16 year girl, on her first date.
I could not concentrate on the movie.
Or think.
Or breathe.
Then as We parted ways, He gave me a kiss goodbye,
right there, out in the open,
something he has never done before.
I am not sure how to deal with this.
But I really do not want to have " that talk " again.
Things are getting complicated enough as it is.

oh fuck.
What am i getting myself into??