Stranger Tides

I had lunch with my mum last week. I knew it was coming, but i suppose I couldn't hold it off any longer.
The first while was pleasant, we spoke of menial things, like furniture and housework and the new sofa I want to buy. Then she took my hand, gave me that look, and told me that she was worried about me.
She told me I look skeletal, I am a whisper of what I used to be.
The sick thing is, that made me smile.
But I could see her face. Her worry. The only person I don't want to disappoint.
How do you explain that you aren't trying to hurt yourself? Well not really, That it is just a natural turn in life.
That I am not going to die.
I sat there and ate an entire sandwich at lunch. It made me so sick, but I managed to finish. I could barely eat the next day I was so full and sick still.
She told me that she thinks I just don't eat.
That it is the medication.
That I need to go see a doctor.
I told her I eat normally during the day,
That i don't know why I am losing so much weight, that It could just be stress.
Work and relationship related stress.
I said I don't want to see a doctor.
One of my worst fears, and my last experience was not a great one.
A possible cancerous one. of which she does not know.
I am even more terrified of them now.
I gave her a compromise, I said I will make a conscious effort to eat more. try put on a little more weight.
she seemed happy at that. She weighed me in, I was 101 after the massive meal and lots of water.
I weighed in at 98 this morning.
I can't do it. I physically cannot eat more.
and I know that my body is starting to look a little odd now. but i like it.
I love the gap between my legs, the fact tha my ribs show between my breasts when i take a deep breath. That if i pull my stomach in, it is hollow and my ribs are protruding.
I am not trying to kill myself.
This is how I have always been.
just for some reason, my discipline has been infinitely doubled, I feel powerful. In control.
I feel like I am gaining some portion of my life back.
But at the same time, destroying my mother.
She told me I was making her think of my dead grandmother, who died of cancer years ago.
And before she passed she was very sick, and lost a lot of weight.
How am I supposed to react to that kind of comment?