Cold times

I feel like I am a right mess. My preventive barriers are crumbling down,
Rock by rock
Stone by stone
Grain by grain.
I promised my mother that I would try and pick up a few pounds, just to appease her.
Im currently sitting in 97lbs. I managed to bloat myself enough with layers of clothing and water to make the scale lie, and say 105. It made it look like I have gained, when I know i have actually lost.
The worst part is that I have been trying to eat more.
or at least more often.
I can't handle large portions of food anymore.
a handful of anything is a days worth of a meal for me.
It sounds so sick.
But on a usual daily basis, I don't over analyze my meals and calories.
When I get hungry, I eat, its just not very often that I do feel hungry.
although I must admit I do get that sickening twinge when I am faced with a pizza or a burger and I see all the oil and grease, It makes me feel physically ill. I have just become so accustomed to usually turning it down, or getting a sandwich instead of a burger.
Or something else.
Or nothing.
we had a family meal the other day for my grandfathers birthday, He got himself nice and plastered, then constantly commented on my weight the entire night.
The last thing I need after a long day of work is to get to my mother's house and hear this bullshit.
On the bright side, my aunt said I looked great.
And this "friend" I have been spending time with, loves the fact that im small, and that bones protrude.
He can't seem to get enough of my hips.
I did get a fright the other day though,
I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a very long time, something I quite often am content with avoiding, I saw ribs and hips, and still thought to myself, my stomach is still not flat, my shoulders still look huge, and my thighs and gigantic.
I suppose its somethings that just never disappears.
I have just been feeling really despondent lately.
quite and sucked into myself.
not something that is easily explained,
I just don't feel like the people or the world lately, I want to sit in a peaceful place and just not exist for a little while. Not die, just not exist.
and then return when my mind has sorted itself out.
picked itself off of the ground and out of the gutter.