The Road to Self Destruction

So apparently everyone is so "happy" that I'm looking so well and lively, and doing just so darn well. I'm going out. seeing people, having a couple of drinks. You know the things single people do.
They Don't see the level of inebriation reached, well not so much anymore, from the amount being consumed i suppose. They don't see the times of sobriety between each day become less, and fuzzy.
Going to bed at 4am on a work night, waking up at 6. and doing it 3 nights in a row.
Barely flinching.
Less food. More alcohol. and cigarettes.
But they politely ignore the subtle perfume of wine and smoke in the morning, and the darkening rings under my eyes.
Silly little single woman.
It is just a phase.
Yet now that she is Single, she is a flirt. She goes out way too much. and the men are all over her.
This is the opinion of my best friend.
Who has now become jealous at the fact that I have spread my wings a little for the first time in my life. She has harbored almost a sense of hatred towards me, for my weight loss (as she is slightly larger than me), and for the notice that people are taking. For she was the one who always turned heads, even if she was a bigger lady. She is gorgeous and oozes self confidence, Men just want to bath in that aura and beauty. I always politely sat In the sidelines and drank the free alcohol they bought for her and I in order to try and sweet talk her into bed.
Since the dawn of time, I have always found myself in some kind of a committed relationship. even this last abortion of a relationship was just supposed to be a "fling".
I ended up getting engaged.
And then it ended.
Now I want to live.
To breathe.
I have reconnected with a friend that I have barely spoken to in years. It might just be conincedtal that many years ago we slept together.
But This is just light. Friends with benefits.
The old cliche.
And it is so refreshing, Iv spoken about things I forgot I even cared about. Thought about future plans for myself that I tucked so far back in the closet that I thought them impossible.
I feel heavy and light at the same time.
I feel like I am on the path of self destruction, but at the same time, on some parallel path to self discovery and exploration.
I am my own best friend and worst enemy. I both love and Hate myself. I am both Elated and Devastated.
But the insanity of the conversations that i Have with myself is what I suspect keeps me sane.