I See You

I Ballooned.
Like an expanding balloon of disgusting
i dont know how
well i do
a few days of non stop binging
disgusting stupid me
but now iv gained control again
I have gained the fast and the need.

I was contemplating my sick mind earlier, looking at photos of people I used to know
went to school with, college with, worked with
people I used to idolize for having the protruding bones that i craved
or the jaw line i desired
I see them now
No neck
No colar
oozing out of their skinny jeans
It is so sick and so awful, but they serve as my inspiration
my thinspo if you will

knowing i am losing while they are all gaining
gives me some empty pleasure only you, my pretties, can understand.
I have tried finding some healthy happy medium,
but it seems i am incapable of some healthy relationship with food and hunger

the worst part is.
the obsession
the fact that it occupies my entire day.
so to counteract the insane voice that screams unto me all day
My drinking, fucking and smoking has escalated.
but even that does not numb it anymore.
and that frightens me.
because I know myself
and i have been down that road

and i am not sure i am strong enough to stop myself from going down there again