February Blues

It has been crazy
A series of serious ups and downs

Where to start...

This month has been tolling
Financially and Emotionally
I have been stuck in a rollercoaster of many different things
I dont even know where I stand anymore

I honestly just want to hide away
and just
stop
everything

I have sunk into some pathetic recess
that for a long time I am unable to crawl out of
usually i can find some positive light to dig my way out

But not this time

This time there is nothing...

A friend and I are doing a challenge next month,
Sort of a lifestyle change, for appreciation
We are taking on a vegan way of life
Drastic
But I am actually quite excited about this
The first this that has mildly excited me in ages

So I tell my man, he says he will join me.
In his sober mind anyway.
He then starts making comments about how he barely ate this day
So I, without thinking, say well neither have I.
He harshly states, yeah well, you do that to yourself,
I didnt have a choice

I just shut out

I know it was true
It just sounded hard coming from him

The other night, He was slightly tipsy, and baring his soul to me
as he does only when he drinks
he then asked me when I am going to start sharing my secrets
Because I am baring some very heavy Burden

If only he knew

The same with the Vegan thing.
He made a snide commentary,
about my real intentions of doing this.
He must not start with this
I dont need this
I dont need him to be judgemental if he thinks he knows whats going on.
I then overheard him say to his friend that he is worried about me.
They dont whisper very well when they drink...
He needs to calm down
and worry about his own issues right now.

I think I am excited about the veganism because in some sick way
I think it will help me recover
Planned even meals
While still being "healthy" and safe.
It is baby steps
But I need this
I want this.
I need him to understand that I have to do this

I am on the edge of my sanity.
of everything
I can barely wake up anymore
Face the day anymore
I just want something to help
And feel better again
feel good again
and stop feeling numb.

Yeah
Fuck.