Lost down the Rabbit Hole

Oh my darlings.
I am so sorry I have been so quiet. everything has been so crazy lately.
I have had so many lovely and terrible experiences
I am in a new job, and a new home.
They are both wonderful.
Much better for my soul
My new house is beautiful.
Old and creaky, it leaks when it rains.
and has a beautiful window looking out to the ocean.
I feel like I can breathe

Except I have gained. From the stress, the partying.
The excuses.
4lbs.
But it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
I went roadtripping with my lover on a little holiday a while ago.
Just the two of us
Hours driving, taking in the sun, smoking cigarettes, feeding mice
It was romantic in the sense that it is everything a roadtrip should ever be

It basically sealed my feelings for him.
That he betters me as a person.
he makes me feel stronger, like i want to strive for more.
Be beautiful because he makes me feel beautiful.
But I want to be better...
I dont want to be sick anymore...
Maybe thats the reason that I have gained.
But I have no idea of how to do it in a healthy way...
I binge Because I feel the need to get better,
Then I purge and fast because I feel guilty and awful in myself
It is a constant struggle
and he is picking up on it
even though i try and be normal around him..
I try and eat
I try and do normal things
I dont want to be fucked up anymore.

He makes me happy and I want to embrace that.
I feel like I am myself for the first time in years.
I lost my essence for a very very long time
I let people walk all over me and kill my spirit
I lost my love for life and the world
but I feel like It is coming back now
Slowly.