The Road to Self Destruction

So apparently everyone is so "happy" that I'm looking so well and lively, and doing just so darn well. I'm going out. seeing people, having a couple of drinks. You know the things single people do.
They Don't see the level of inebriation reached, well not so much anymore, from the amount being consumed i suppose. They don't see the times of sobriety between each day become less, and fuzzy.
Going to bed at 4am on a work night, waking up at 6. and doing it 3 nights in a row.
Barely flinching.
Less food. More alcohol. and cigarettes.
But they politely ignore the subtle perfume of wine and smoke in the morning, and the darkening rings under my eyes.
Silly little single woman.
It is just a phase.
Yet now that she is Single, she is a flirt. She goes out way too much. and the men are all over her.
This is the opinion of my best friend.
Who has now become jealous at the fact that I have spread my wings a little for the first time in my life. She has harbored almost a sense of hatred towards me, for my weight loss (as she is slightly larger than me), and for the notice that people are taking. For she was the one who always turned heads, even if she was a bigger lady. She is gorgeous and oozes self confidence, Men just want to bath in that aura and beauty. I always politely sat In the sidelines and drank the free alcohol they bought for her and I in order to try and sweet talk her into bed.
Since the dawn of time, I have always found myself in some kind of a committed relationship. even this last abortion of a relationship was just supposed to be a "fling".
I ended up getting engaged.
And then it ended.
Now I want to live.
To breathe.
I have reconnected with a friend that I have barely spoken to in years. It might just be conincedtal that many years ago we slept together.
But This is just light. Friends with benefits.
The old cliche.
And it is so refreshing, Iv spoken about things I forgot I even cared about. Thought about future plans for myself that I tucked so far back in the closet that I thought them impossible.
I feel heavy and light at the same time.
I feel like I am on the path of self destruction, but at the same time, on some parallel path to self discovery and exploration.
I am my own best friend and worst enemy. I both love and Hate myself. I am both Elated and Devastated.
But the insanity of the conversations that i Have with myself is what I suspect keeps me sane.

Silence

Im sorry I have been so quiet lately. This little while has been, strange.
So we finally had our "talk" on friday. I told Him that i dont want to get back together with Him, because I dont know Him anymore, He is a child and He is cowardly. He then asked if we could ever be friends and I said no, I can never be friends with you, I dont want to see you, or hear from you or have you in any part of my life.
It hurt but it had to be done.
I'm keeping up appearances pretty well I think.
I didn't cry, I was probably a little more harsh and cold than I should have been. But that's kind of how I saw it going down. and He deserved every word I said.

Yesterday I went to dinner with my best male friend. silly naive me thought that he was trying to make me feel better. forget things for a little while. No. There are always other motives when it concerns the male gender.
He kissed me. And it was horrible.
Firstly because it was just an awful kiss, like a washing machine and a vacuum cleaner hybrid. I ave no feelings towards this friend and he knew that. and he knows how messed up i am about the break up.
I mean 4 years, an engagement, and then he tries his luck. they are all the same.
Then I was overwhelmed by how much I actually miss Him, miss kissing Him.
Our bodies just worked so well together. We were so in tune.
 I told this friend that I cant see him anymore and maybe we should stop spending time together, because I have no intention of kissing him, or dating him, or leading him on.
And I just got a text from him.

Another thing that has been eating at my conscience lately is my mother. I know she is so worried about me but I don't know what to do. When I see her, she makes comments about my weight, but she also defends it in her mind with things like work, and the break up. And I heard her defending my honor to a family member the other day when they commented on my weight. I don't want to make her worry, I love her so dearly and I know she knows I have a problem but we have never really spoken about it. I know she also has a problem but it has not developed to my level yet, and I sometimes worry that I maybe influenced that. When I visit, or am with her I try to eat as normally as possible. I will organize my entire day around it so that I can have a full meal so that she will not worry. Yet at the same time, I am screaming inside with every bite that is going into my mouth. It is exhausting.

I feel sick and tired and empty.
I know I will go on but it is like a little hole has been left, and nothing is filling it.
And noone is giving me the time to just process. Everyday has to have some menial activity because everyone has this fear that I am going to have some sort of a breakdown. If this constant flow of people doesnt stop soon, then i fear I might.

I still haven' t had a good cry.

I just wanted to thank all of you for the support through this time, and for reading the manic rants. You guys really make it a little easier and I cannot think of a day without this support system.
So thank you, eternally

xxx

Achieving Goals!!!!!

I weighed in this morning at 100 lbs! my first goal weight. yeah!!! Im so happy i could dance. or sing. or cry.
and that is despite the rubbish i had yesterday. well all i had to eat was an avo salad, but it was one of those premade, store bought, heart-attack-in-a-box kind of salads. and then we went out last night and i had a cider. The problem is i love my cider, and it is so bloating and fattening. I should rather stick to my wine. which i do when i am at home, but cider is just so much more sociable.

So we went out last night, and again I saw people i havent seen in months, and even maybe a year. I could feel their eyes looking me up and down when they saw me, as in they were thinking, what happened. But everyone just smiled and said "you look great", "your hair is amazing". it still felt good. and i wore a skin tight dress, something i have never, ever done in my life, ever.

I dropped my Friend off at home after our night out. He then proceeded to passionately kiss me outside of his house, in the middle of the street. He was slightly tipsy, but i was stone cold sober. He tried to get me to go upstairs with him, but i told him i had work in the morning. then he literally got down on his knees and begged. so i left. i told him he has to earn it.

Sleeplessness

I'm not entirely sure what happened this weekend. It kind of flew by in a whirlwind of motion. Saturday night we decided to have a girls night out, because He was having some get together at His place that we were originally supposed to go to.
So we thought fuck-it and lets drink..
I Have chopped all of my hair off, about 4 days ago, a huge feat and a really refreshing one too. I love it. My hair used to be down to my ass. Now I can barely run my fingers through it.
So we dressed up to the nines. I wore this hot dress, heels and smokey make up. I'm not a heels and make up kind of gal. tonight i though lets go for it. New hair. New life.
We got out and i looked and felt hot. everyone was staring, obviously because i was hairless. They kept saying how great it looked, and how happy and refreshed i looked.
The dress also showed off my my hard earned bones, which i usually try hard to cover up to stop needless questions.
I bumped into an old friend of mine, one that i had a fling with a couple of years ago, nothing serious, we just had fun and stayed friends. the first thing he said was how much weight i had lost, and how gorgeous i looked. I felt elated, even more so that he seemed concerned about the amount of weight lost.
It sounds so stupid. But it felt like for the first time, in all this motion of crap, my hard work was starting to pay off.
and it felt good.
so we drank, and drank, and danced. now i can't and don't usually dance. and now i remember why. I even got this friend of mine to dance with me, and he REALLY doesn't dance. but there we were. basically ballroom dancing in a night club. and it was so much fun.
I've forgotten what it feels like to go out and let loose.
i used to be crazy, and spontaneous. Not anxious and... this.
We all ended back at my place at about 7am. and then it happened, he kissed me.
It was just a kiss, and i was drunk and giddy at the time.
but its still odd.
I spoke to him about it later, and then he asked me if we are going to have "the talk". I'm like whoa. I'm barely even broken up "Him". I am not going into anything. at all. He said he understood. but then still asked me on a date.
Men.
I told him i need to sort all my shit out first, and then maybe I'll get back to him. Either way, he's still my friend.
On the bright side of the drama spectrum.
I feel better than I have in weeks.
Well not yesterday.
Yesterday I was hungover as all hell.