To the Bone

I am so cold
I cannot stop shivering
It is that bone chilling kind of cold that 6 layers
and stockings
and boots cannot take away.

It is just feels like I am never going to warm up.
It is the running joke because I am constantly dressed for the snow
But I dont see any white

my stomach aches from all the coffee
because it is a temporary relief.
I just feel ill.
mind and body

Smokey Sundays

I finally got Internet again
So now I don't feel completely disconnected from the world anymore.
I will try and be more active,
and keep in touch

Much has happened in my absence my dears...
I don't even know where to start.
On the note of my man, he got the job.
and he also asked me to go with him.
which is a huge decision.
I said yes.
But he turned the job down.
It wasn't what he was looking for.
I wont lie, I am a little relieved,
It would have been stressful,
trying to get my affairs in order in less than a month.
But we are making big plans to move next year
its exciting.

I just want to get out of this godforsaken little town.
I feel suffocated
Even though I just found a great job
which i love
with people that actually treat me like a human being
the only downside
the pay is shit.

So I am cutting down on everything,
I haven't really let on to everyone how much I am actually struggling financially.
being out of work for a month didnt really help much.
My savings dried up.
what they don't realise is that one night out.
is 4 days without groceries.
but I am powering on, I am not dead yet
and I still have my cigarettes.

My housemate is really getting under my skin lately
I  feel that I complain about her a lot to my man,
but I think that might be to mask the things that are
really bothering me
like the finances
the house
and the fact that my mother is slowly killing herself.

And no body will say a god damn thing.

she was rushed into hospital the other day with "stomach cramps"
my father worried it was something ovary related,
I knew better.
I know she probably ruptured something from taking laxatives
every single day.
I can watch her struggle when I am in the same situation.
Trying to get better.
I cant watch her kill herself
maybe it is selfish of me.
but she is acting like a child,
using me as her inspiration,
reprimanding me when I lose weight,
yet when I see her the next time,
she too has lost.

I am not a role model
I am ill.

I am overwhelmed with guilt because I feel like I have made her this way
living like this my whole life,
like it has somehow rubbed off on her.

and she sulks.
and abuses pills

I had a dream the other night that she was over dosing on pills,
foaming at the mouth, eating cotton buds,
and all I could do was hold her and try and make her sick
screaming at her
yelling at her to stop
It was like when she was drinking.
Maybe thats why this hurts so much.

god only knows how well that turned out.

I tried to speak to my sister about it
She told me i was being paranoid and to leave it
She has always turned a blind eye to the
problems in our family.

I tried speaking to my friend about my concerns
and she changed the topic to how her
boyfriend recently gave her a foot rub

I guess everyone has different priorities.

I just need to get out of this town before i go insane.
If I wanted to be a mother,
I would have my own children,
I have taken the burden of this family
on my shoulders for too long

the best part is...
I know I say it,
But it wont stop
and I'll be the one left picking up the pieces
again

When it Rains, it Pours

Sorry about my silence
Its been...
Strange.
a bumpy ride I do guess.
The Vegan Thing was a very enlightening experience.
Although it was a little pricey,
not something i can afford right now.
haha

I lost my job. Rather I quit for a better one which never pulled through.
so thats been fun, as from the end of the month
god knows what is going to happen.
I have been looking around desperately.
Looks like I might have to waitress, or something partime to just pay rent.
so i will probably be even more quiet my lovelies

But i am still here.
pounding on.

And my man is leaving me.
In the eye of the shit storm that has hit,
he has been offered a job on the other side of the country.
and i dont do long distance.
It really is a great opportunity,
A lot more money
A bigger city
more experiences.
I have been telling him he needs to get out of here,

I just thought maybe, somewhere in my illusive little fairy tale
I thought maybe we would get out together.
I was going to ask him to move in with me at the end of the year
take the next step
I have never even considered that with any other man
Its not that he is more serious,
Its just that I can actually stand him for more than a week at a time
and i like him
and its relaxed
and i like that
and my skin still tingles when he brushes past me.

My friend says that i am being dramatic
That if i was offered something, I wouldnt even consider him
I dont somehow think that is the case
and coming from her,
who wrote poetry and cried for weeks when her boyfriend of 1 month left for a town 20 minutes away.

My heart feels heavy
i want the best for him.
And if the best is somewhere else,
then i will sit here quietly, with my heart in my throat.
I will keep on smiling
Being happy for him.
because I guess that's what you do for the people you love.

Veggies and Things

So going vegan seems to have done wonders for me
mentally and physically

much to the disgust of many around me,
but this is not a challenge for them,
this is for me

My mother is up in arms
protesting the fact that "do you want to lose even more weight??"
But it is not about the weight loss.
It is about the gain in normality
For the first time in a very very long time
I am eating in a semi normal structure

I am eating decent sized meals, and twice, sometimes 3 times a day
That is a very very huge change
And i havent purged once since I have started
I wont lie I have been very tempted
But My will has been very strong

So yes, I have lost weight
and people are commenting again
But I feel as if this helping...
if not in some small, menial way.

My man has been so supportive throughout.
he has even caved to try, and enjoy, some of the dishes.
and he helps make it some sort of fun enjoyable activity
i think he understands it
and thats really great.

So going on nearly week two of the Vegan lifestyle...
and I feel like my mind is starting to heal
ever so slightly...

Wish me luck my darlings

February Blues

It has been crazy
A series of serious ups and downs

Where to start...

This month has been tolling
Financially and Emotionally
I have been stuck in a rollercoaster of many different things
I dont even know where I stand anymore

I honestly just want to hide away
and just
stop
everything

I have sunk into some pathetic recess
that for a long time I am unable to crawl out of
usually i can find some positive light to dig my way out

But not this time

This time there is nothing...

A friend and I are doing a challenge next month,
Sort of a lifestyle change, for appreciation
We are taking on a vegan way of life
Drastic
But I am actually quite excited about this
The first this that has mildly excited me in ages

So I tell my man, he says he will join me.
In his sober mind anyway.
He then starts making comments about how he barely ate this day
So I, without thinking, say well neither have I.
He harshly states, yeah well, you do that to yourself,
I didnt have a choice

I just shut out

I know it was true
It just sounded hard coming from him

The other night, He was slightly tipsy, and baring his soul to me
as he does only when he drinks
he then asked me when I am going to start sharing my secrets
Because I am baring some very heavy Burden

If only he knew

The same with the Vegan thing.
He made a snide commentary,
about my real intentions of doing this.
He must not start with this
I dont need this
I dont need him to be judgemental if he thinks he knows whats going on.
I then overheard him say to his friend that he is worried about me.
They dont whisper very well when they drink...
He needs to calm down
and worry about his own issues right now.

I think I am excited about the veganism because in some sick way
I think it will help me recover
Planned even meals
While still being "healthy" and safe.
It is baby steps
But I need this
I want this.
I need him to understand that I have to do this

I am on the edge of my sanity.
of everything
I can barely wake up anymore
Face the day anymore
I just want something to help
And feel better again
feel good again
and stop feeling numb.

Yeah
Fuck.

Silly Heart

I don't know where I stand anymore.
Although this week was great because I managed to get a grip on myself.
At least with eating.
It wasnt much.
But I forced myself to have lunch and dinner every day.
despite the fact that i have only eaten salad for the last week
oh
and a cheese stick.

I have dropped weight again,
But I feel like maybe this will slowly aid into some kind of healing progression
I know I am still sick
and its not going to get better
at least soon anyway.
It is literally taking every inch of my strength,
because I still dont want to get better.
A solid schedual of meal times.
With a food that I consider to be safe.
I can eat salad by the gallon.
I dont, but I can...

It is difficult. And Every day is a struggle.
But no one knows that better than you, my dears.
I am absolutely terrified because tonight My dear man is making us dinner.
And the anxiety of the thought of having to eat it is just overwhelming
The worst part is that his food is delicious
And always so beautifully prepared
It almost seems a waste to eat it

It is taking a lot of talking to myself
"you dont need that"
"You need to eat something"
Just a handful and you will be full
but full on something substantial.
That is my goal.
2 meals a day.
good food
I can do it

I can

The only thing that puts me off slightly is my Housemate
She giver me dirty looks every time I prepare a meal.
With such stunning comments and questions like
"are you on a diet?"
"oh dont you know, she never eats anyway"
"you will fall through your own ass"

It is not very inspiring. at least not to recovery.
I have never told a soul
but I know they know.
I mean.
the way I have gained and lost weight over these long years
The way my dear makes comments about it, even though he's only ever really brought it up once
and when I dismissed it, He never brought it up again.
But he is the same.
I know he has the same kind of relationship with food.
or at least sees it in the same light.
Which in a sense is good and bad for me
Because god is he a feeder.

Yesterday I ate "real" food.
and it ended up being so rich for me that I have been sick the entire night.
Maybe that is a sign to just stick to my salad.
I feel so ill That I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep all day.
oh dear
I cannot win

And into the Dark Unknown we tread

My darling plums.

I have been so quiet, and i am so sorry. My internet has been down for the past two months and I have not been able to get a single word in.
Other than the odd peek when I visit my mother, just to check up on all of you...

Things have been very strange of late
I will not disclose my weight
I have ballooned these festive holidays,
But i suspect it might be due to drinking more than actual eating
although once i drink too much, that is when I binge

i have a firm grasp on it all now  and I am on fast day 2
and my back is killing me.

My new years was odd.
everything is just odd lately

My man has taken to basically moving in with me.
Not that I mind, really, I love spending time with him
and i do miss him when he is not around
But its a huge committment and step I am not sure I am willing to plunge into just yet.
But tell that to his cleared shelf space and his own set of keys.

That and he told me he loved me
and I just sat there and stared at him like a fool.
I know I am falling in love with him
But saying it to him holds so much more power.
It scares the living crap out of me.

My friends are basically non existent anymore,
and who know what cause is that.
i cannot speak to them anymore.
They may rant and rave as much as they like
but god forbid I just open my mouth.
I am going insane.

I had a fight with him last night and tried to take comfort in a dear friend.
Nothing huge, just a petty argument.
Nothing to write home about
But it still upset me
the sole response I got was
"the honeymoon period must finally be ending"
one fight and im not allowed to have romance anymore?
i feel as if there is some animosity as soon as I feel a slight hint of happiness.
A slight glow and the people that claim to love me will go out of their way to make me feel impossible awful. guilty for wanting a genuine smile and glimpse of life outside of the shadows.

I know how pathetic and gripey I sound.
But all i want right now is to go home, curl up on my couch with a mug of tea
and just forget the world

and maybe smoke a carton of cigarettes